s4e9 - Shelly

Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY

We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures...

Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually deserted – except for a familiar figure of our host, Charley, walking toward us. She’s wearing a big, red, woollen winter coat, but it’s open at the front to reveal her white figure-hugging polo-neck sweater inside.

She walks toward us, hands in pockets for a change, it’s obviously pretty cold today. She talks through a confident smile (which appears brighter than in previous weeks due to a course of dental treatments since she met Siobhan two weeks ago), relaxed and increasingly comfortable as a presenter... “Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Ozvik, and I’m travelling all around the UK in search of ladies who want to push the boundaries of sexual depravity...”

The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up on screen over a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, each pin representing a location we’ve either visited, or will be visiting in this series. This time the pin is flashing on the north-eastern coast of England.

Cut back to Charley on the windswept coastline. She raises her microphone which picks up a lot of wind-noise... “I’m here on a cold and miserable day in Yorkshire’s favourite seaside retreat – Scarborough ... I haven’t come to work on my tan, and that’s a bloody good job because it’s freezing here ... I’ve come to meet a young lady who will hopefully help us raise the temperature a little...”

We cut to a little further along the promenade. Virtually deserted concrete with only a few foolhardy tourists taking in the site of an empty beach and grey sea. The only structure on this side of the road is a small stand selling HOT DRINKS – ICE CREAM – HOT FOOD ... Here, despite the cold, we find a couple – him pushing her in a wheelchair - buying an ice-cream cone, they could be father and daughter, or husband and wife, at this point it it’s too hard to tell.

He isn’t that old, but he does a good impression of it –chubby, grey haired and round faced, dressed warm with a big blue coat cutting out the cold. As mentioned, she is in a wheelchair. She’s fresh-faced with long strawberry blonde (almost red) hair, and most importantly, much smaller than him. Not old, but disabled. He wheels her away from the stand and along the prom as she enjoys her ice-cream and they take in the scenery.

She speaks, in voice-over, with a slightly squeaky, friendly, Yorkshire accent. “I’m Shelly Boldon. I’m 33, happily married to Raymond for the last 6 years, I work for the Department of Social Security, and I’m from Scarborough in England.”

Raymond points out something he finds interesting on the beach, and Shelly smiles and nods.

Cut to: a close-up of the two of them in a small, pleasant living room. Family pictures on the mantlepiece and walls, a huge (and very neat) collection of Star Trek DVDs and books filling most available space on the shelves.

Shelly sits on a comfortable couch, with Raymond beside her, his arm around her. Shelly does the talking, and most of the smiling too. Raymond sits back staring into camera and blinking slowly – when he does speak it’s a slow and quiet reassurance to Shelly, “yes” or “exactly” at the end of each comment she makes. Shelly, now with her coat off, is very slight, but is trying to show off what little cleavage she has. Her chest is a little freckly, as is her face up close. Her teeth a little uneven.

Charley is in an armchair to the side of the couch, leaning in with her cleavage spilling out of her top ... But she might as well not be there. Raymond only has eyes for Shelly, and Shelly doesn’t like girls.

Shelly, “Until I met Raymond, I’d never had many boyfriends really ... I’m not really what most men are looking for - what with my Star Trek obsession, the spina-bifida, and the red hair...” Raymond chuckles at the red hair comment.

“How did you guys meet?”

“We met at a Star Trek convention in London, and it turned out we only lived a couple of miles apart. We come home on the train together, I don’t think we’ve been apart since, other than when we’re at work...”

There’s a picture of Shelly on the wall, professionally taken, the kind of pseudo-glamour shot some women have taken to try and show their confidence and sexiness. Black and white, her on her belly, raising up on her elbows, a little cleavage on show but nothing too much – she’s trying to look sultry. She doesn’t look bad, understand, but she’s really struggling to pull off ‘sexy’.

Shelly continues, “Most people would say that we’re a pretty boring couple, I think. We like to read books together, watch old episodes of ‘Star Trek’, walk on the beach ... But we’ve got our wild side too. Our sexy side...”

Charley leans in further, “Tell us more...”

“Raymond’s nearly 50, quite a bit older than me, and he likes to call me his little girl, I call him daddy ... I think that’s his thing...” She turns to her husband. “Isn’t it?” He smiles sheepishly and nods a little.

Shelly continues, “For quite a long time that was our thing, I think we were both happy with it ... Our secret pervy time ... It took me a long time to tell him MY turn-on ... But when your show started I could finally come clean. I’ve always been turned on by thinking about women having sex with dogs ... Pretty women. The ones that could pick any man they wanted ... Having sex with dogs instead. I didn’t fantasize about ME having sex with a dog, it was about someone better than me...” She looks away from Raymond, toward Charley. “Like you...”

Charley smiles, nods, “When did it become about you?”

She looks at her husband for a confidence booster, he nods her on. “I suppose because, deep down, I want to be one of those pretty women who chooses to have a dog... “ She looks a little nervous, and sad, as she say, “I might not be able to make myself ‘pretty’, but there’s no reason I can’t have the dog.” She smiles. As does Raymond.

“I’ve started to realise that a dog doesn’t care if a woman looks like me, or you ... It’s the great leveller ... As far as he’s concerned, I’m as sexy as anyone ... I want that. They don’t judge. I don’t want to be judged, I just want to be a sex object!” She turns back to Charley again. “Like you...”

“A sex object? Is that how you see me?” Laughs Charley, either completely oblivious to the way the world sees her, or doing a good job of pretending.

“Yes,” smiles Shelly. “You’re the ultimate dogslut!”

Charley applauds this comment. “Ultimate dogslut ... I like that...” She laughs. “So ... You want to take a shot at my title, eh?”

Shelly smiles, blushing a little, “Maybe not your ‘ultimate dogslut’ title, but I’m feeling very horny ... Ready to try it...” She giggles.

Charley turns to Raymond, “And how do you feel about this?”

Raymond looks a little flustered. “Erm...” He thinks out loud, “To be honest I’ve got a list of about twenty things I want to see her do, and a dog is on it...” Shelly looks a little surprised. Raymond turns and looks at her. “The Klingon guard dog from Undiscovered Country”. She nods, remembering exactly what he’s talking about right away and giggling a little.

Charley turns back to Shelly. “And when you meet our little friend ... What exactly do you want to do with him?”

Shelly looks more than a little excited, her smile growing, she takes a deep breath, “I want to be on a couch like this, and I want him between my legs ... I want him to really pound me ... And then, if I can, I’d like to ... Suck on his cock.” She looks more embarrassed that it seems possible for a woman appearing on our show to be. If just saying ‘cock’ does this to her, we wonder what will happen when she’s confronted by one.”

“If you have fun today, do you think this experience will change your life?”

Shelly looks at Raymond, and he looks back at her... “I don’t know ... Maybe ... If Raymond is happy with it ... It might be nice to get a little dog ... Something nice and safe. I don’t want to visit other couples or play with different dogs ... I just want to have something to make me feel special...”

“You are special, dear...” Chirps in Raymond, with a reassuring smile.

We cut to the street outside ... Raymond shutting the passenger side door of his car, Shelly inside, then walking around to get in the driver’s seat. The car pulling away, Shelly waving goodbye with an excited little smile on her face.

Cut to – travelogue shots of the little car cruising up the motorway, being passed by just about every other car on the road. Shelly talking in voice-over, “I think it’ll be fun ... I feel like a star ... Like a porn star that everyone thinks is just a dirty dirty girl, and everyone talks her down, but really they all want to have sex with her.” “Yes dear” comes Raymond’s reply.

Cut to – a quiet little street of terraced council houses in a working class suburb of a northern town. Raymond’s car parked on the curb at the side of the street, Shelly being helped into her wheelchair and then trundled over to the front door of one of the houses.

The door opens and we see a couple of familiar figures. Pablo the postman, and Rocky the Rottweiler. Short, slightly overweight, middle aged and very ‘safe’ looking, Pablo is remarkably like Raymond. Rocky meanwhile is looking a little older and a little fatter than on previous shows. He is almost ten years old after all.

We cut to inside the house, with Raymond wheeling his wife awkwardly along the hall and into the living room.

Then we’re in the living room, with Shelly already sitting on the couch, Raymond beside her, Pablo sitting on the armchair opposite them, with Rocky sitting between his legs. Charley is kneeling on the floor, half way between Rocky and Shelly, microphone in one hand whilst she strokes the dog’s head with the other. She looks from Rocky to Shelly and smiles. “So what do you think?” She asks. “Is he everything you dreamed he would be?”

Shelly looks as excited. “He’s bigger than I expected ... But not as scary as I thought he’d be ... I was a little nervous before, but now ... I just want to get started...”, and that smile returns, suggesting that she is counting the seconds until she gets to play with this magnificent beast.

“Do you have any questions before you start?” Asked Pablo, his words running into one another, partially due to his accent, partially because he’s still a little shy even after all these appearances.

Shelly looks to Raymond, then back to Pablo... “Erm ... Will it hurt?”

Pablo shrugs his shoulders a little, “Probably a little bit, but no one’s ever complained too much, like.”

“Is that okay? Do you want to continue?” Charley chips in. There’s a level of concern in her voice that’s we’re not used to. Possibly because Shelly is disabled, possibly because she’s quite small, and probably because she sounds so innocent when she talks.

Shelly enhances that sense of vulnerability and youth by checking with Raymond, “What do you think,” she pauses, then adds, “Daddy?” to complete her question. Raymond stirs noticeably, his middle aged concerned face coming alive at the mention of ‘daddy’. “Whatever my little girl wants, darling.” He reassures her. “Daddy loves you.”

Shelly turns to Charley, Pablo and Rocky and smiles then nods.

In the next shot, Raymond is pulling her top up and over her head, continuing his perverted act. “Skin a rabbit!” He says as the top comes up over his wife’s head and along her arms, turning inside out as it comes off. He then repeats the process for her singlet, leaving her in just her bra.