“Nils. I’m glad you picked up. Are you coming home soon?”

“Hey Jamie. I’m just finishing up. Probably another hour at most.”

“Oh. Um, is there any chance you could make it quicker?”

“Jamie, is everything all right?”

“I’m not sure. It’s been kind of a weird day.”

“How so?”

“It’s kind of hard to explain. See, I wanted to make this cake, the kind you like, and I know how you like walnuts, so I thought I’d decorate the top, the icing, you know, with walnuts. So I went to the store and got some. And then when I was making the frosting, I thought maybe I should check the recipe. I was thinking maybe I should glaze the walnuts.”

“Yeah, glazed sounds good.”

“But when I did the Google search under walnuts it took me to this blog, to a part of it talking about walnuts. It said something like if you have one walnut in each hand and you put them on the table you’ll have two walnuts. Duh!”

“Yeah, I suppose so. Unless one rolls off the table or something.”

“Right. Well, I didn’t think much of it, but I scrolled down the list of hits, and there was one that pointed to a TV show. Dick Van Dyke. And I remembered how you once said when you were a kid you thought Mary Tyler Moore was hot.”

“She was, or I thought so.”

“So I watched the episode. Oh Nils.”

“Hey, I remember the one about the walnuts. Kind of funny. Wait, were you scared?”

“No. I don’t know.”

“So you said there was weird stuff?”

“It’s silly, but after seeing the show, and reading about how one walnut plus one walnut equals two walnuts—I kind of did an experiment. You’re going to think I’m ... See I was thinking too about how you thought Mary Tyler Moore was sexy, and I wondered if you ever, you know, masturbated while thinking of her, or watching the show, and the thought kind of turned me on.”

“So you masturbated?”

“Not exactly. But in a way.”

“I’m not sure what that means.”

“I took four walnuts out of the bag. One of them dropped on the floor, so I had three of them. And one was bigger than the other two, shaped more like a peanut than a walnut, so that’s the one I used in my pussy.”

“You put a walnut in your pussy?”

“Uh huh. It felt pretty good. I guess I was nice and wet. You know how I get.”

“Okay. And what about the other two?”

“I put them in my asshole. I don’t know why. I know you don’t like ass stuff, but it was almost like I couldn’t help myself. Like the walnuts made me do it.”

“And then what?”

“Oh Gosh, Nils, the walnuts. They ... I could feel them. They were like doing me, in some way I’ve never been done before.”

“Did you come?”

“Oh yeah. I came really hard. It was a little scary. But it was so good!”

“So should I be jealous of these walnuts?”

“One of them might still be inside me. In my ass. It doesn’t feel like it, but only one came out.”

“What about the one in your cunt?”

“It came out, but Nils, it’s so big! Much too big to have fit in my cunt. It doesn’t make sense. It was almost like, I don’t know, having a baby. But part of me wants to—”

“Okay, Jamie, don’t do anything. I’m coming home right now.”

“Okay, but you won’t be angry if there’s no walnuts on your cake, will you?”