The Falling Oak - Learning How to Die
Copyright© 2018 by Darian Wolfe
Chapter 3: Anger
Sept. 16th, 2018
Today, we’re going to another place that’s fairly dark. But Darian, you’re sick, your mind could be gone in a few years. You have a right to be angry. You say that, but do you really mean that? I don’t think you do for the simple reason I don’t think a lot of people have ever been angry. True anger is dark bloody emotion that most people won’t admit to feeling. I do. Even if they admit to feeling it to themselves they won’t explore it or share it with others. Part of my growing process was learning to accept that I am capable of, not just in theory, but in actuality of the most horrific things that any human that has ever lived has done. I am also capable of the good. Every bit of it from child cannibalism to saving the whales is part of being human. I am human.
My wife works. One morning this last week as I was driving her to work I saw an old couple sitting on their porch the next block over. All I could think and feel was I HATE YOU! I didn’t know those people. I had never seen them before that moment, but I hated them with every fiber of my being because they were old and I’m not going to be. If I could have killed them and gotten away with it I would have. Instead, I finished taking my wife to work and thought about how much I hated them.
Then I thought about how much I dislike people in their twenties. All the years that most of them have left and the shit they get to do. Oh Well, that’s all you can say. The anger I talked about a moment ago is only one type of anger I feel. I get pissed when store clerks hurry up and end a conversation because they think I’m retarded when my Aphasia acts up. What’s funny is at the rate it’s going in a year or three unless something happens they won’t be wrong.
Then there’s the slow burn anger that I feel at my body for betraying me that sometimes flares into a rage when I can’t remember a word or think of how to form a logical approach to a situation. I once audited a course in Mathematical Logic from Stanford without having any of the prerequisites and passed the course work. I passed by the skin of my teeth, but I passed. I find the inability to use logic especially galling.
Anger is a two edged sword. Sometimes I can use it to burn through the fog and focus. Other times, it drives me further into the fog. I never know which is which. I already covered the Hyper-Aggression which I’m medicated for so no need to rehash that.
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