Chapter 30: Reflections

Dec. 22, 2018

I meant to write this yesterday but life disagreed. Instead, I got to see my grandchildren for awhile. I have little to share but that little is a lot. My mind is becoming quiet. I’ve caught myself working on plot points for stories without realizing I was doing it.

I do phone work and had to get off the phone yesterday because I started bawling my eyes out. A Hebrew song had started running through my mind and I was able to sing it. Passages and verses came in and out of focus. Not a deluge, just a trickle, but I’m starting to remember. I’m crying as I write this. I was never fluent in any language but knew bits and pieces of about six. I was working on learning Icelandic when I became ill. I can’t describe the happiness I felt to get something back.

In my reflections the last few days I noticed something about myself. I like/liked being the center of my families attention. I hadn’t noticed. When I looked I saw it and admitted it to myself. I felt lighter admitting it to myself. It’s ok to want attention. Now, I have to find better ways to get their attention. Lol. I guess growing up never ends.

Today, I was as relaxed as I have been for months. I want to say my pain level was dare I say it. Zero. I worked all day almost entirely symptom free. I completed three whole workdays this week. Which is awesome considering my record the last few months.

After Christmas, I going to have a psych evaluation done. I’m trying to decide how honest I want to be with this person. Think about it.

Do you think about hurting yourself?

In what context?

What do you mean?

Are you asking me: do I have rash impulses to hurt myself or if I have decided under what circumstances death is preferable to life?

If I’m not careful I might earn a vacation I won’t appreciate. I was talking to my sister during one of my darker moods and upset her. I told her I was wondering if I could twist the shrinks mind. She wasn’t happy with me at all. She told me “Ok baby, you need to go there to get help”. Then I felt bad. It is never on my agenda to hurt her. If she wants the moon to be made of Blue Cheese then I’m damn well going to find a way to make it turn that way.

She did her level best to take care of me growing up even though she’s just a couple of years older than me. I can look back and see what she did for me so anything she wants she gets if I can manage it.

This will be my last post before Christmas. I wish you and your a Merry Christmas!