Chapter 24: That Was Scary

Nov. 27th, 2018

Today, Aphasia kicked in so I FMLA’d and took a nap. When I woke up my right side from my face to my toes was numbish. I flipped. The only thing I could think was stroke. The only other thought I could think was “please let me die”, over and over again. I can’t manage if I lose the use of half my body on top of my other issues. I could still move, but I didn’t try to get my wife’s attention. She was in the other room. I was scared stupid, but If I was having a stroke I’d rather it kill me than adding another level of disability. I don’t want a life as a vegetable in a home.

On the Night Of Hell they thought I was having a stroke and gave me a shot that they charged me personally, not the insurance company because I don’t have any, me personally over $98,000 dollars for. That’s just for the medicine in the syringe. Not giving the shot, nothing else. I still owe $40,000 on that shot. A charity picked up the rest. I can’t add more medical bills to my family when I have no way to pay them and have no honest expectations of being around long enough to figure a way of doing it. I hope to be here, but I won’t swear to it like I would have prior to the NOH.

As I said, I was terrified and didn’t have anyone to turn to. It sucks to be in that situation and to be alone. Since I had resigned myself to my fate I decided to call upon Hel. Hel is the Norse Goddess of Death and the Underworld. She’s the daughter of Loki. I’ve always had respect for her since I learned that in the Eddas Odin had high praise for her respectfulness and character. It was he who gave her the Underworld. She is one of the three Goddess’s I venerate. They are: Freyja, sweet Sunna, and Hel.

I began singing under my breath a shamanic spirit calling song that I adapted to her in her honor. I started calming down but nothing happened other than that. I realized this wasn’t going anywhere quick. I did notice the feeling was starting to return to my right side. I just lay there for another half hour or so. When it became obvious that the majority of the feeling was returning I was relieved. I can deal with a little numbness and I’m hoping it goes away.

As I laid there, once I calmed down I realized I was rude. One does not summon a Goddess. One definitely does not use a shamanic spirit calling song used to call animal spirits to summon a Goddess. Also, one does not do the above to a Norse Goddess because one is afraid. I.E. I made an ass of myself. So I prayed and apologized and explained the situation and promised I would burn a candle in her honor which I did as soon as I was able to get out of bed.

I didn’t go back to work as I wasn’t sure what would happen if I started stressing again. So that was my afternoon.