Chapter 10: They Took My Gun

Oct 21th, 2018

Waking up is mildly depressing. I haven’t had meds or CBD yet so my movements are either jerky or my BP is starting to rise putting pressure on my chest. Admittedly it’s not as bad as pre CBD days when I would wake up and go “Not this shit again.” meaning the pain. If you’ve ever studied any body discipline - Gymnastics, Karate, Ballroom Dancing. It’s especially upsetting when your body quits listening to you. Don’t get me wrong, at the moment, It’s more like I’m about 1 beer shy of a snootful. Tipsy, but not sloppy drunk. Typing is becoming a bitch as well. I’ve had to start using a cane for my own safety as I never know when this shit will start or stop.

My family told me that my spoken vocabulary has drifted to that of a child’s. I hadn’t noticed and had to ask what they meant. They said I use a lot fewer multi-syllable words. Once, I thought about it I saw their point. Small words are easier for me to pronounce. The CBD doesn’t erase the Aphasia completely. It eases a lot of the smaller episodes but it doesn’t fix the disorder. So I guess I started taking the easy way out. Usually, a small word will work. “Fuck,” works I have noticed I say it and “Well, shit,” and “Really!” all come in pretty handy.

My youngest daughter has started making lunch for me then texting me to remind me to eat it. Am I missing something here? I haven’t noticed myself skipping too many meals. I’m starting to wonder if there’s things going on around me that I’m not noticing anymore.

My wife took my gun away from me this week she said she’s scared of me. I’ve never threatened her even when I’ve been angry. I KNOW that because I’m scared to death of being one of those bastards that hurts their family. I pulled the clip emptied it, cleared the chamber and brought it and the magazine to her and showed her they were empty. I handed them to her. I’m not stupid enough to hand a loaded firearm to someone who just told me that they are afraid of me, not when my own philosophy is to destroy that which you fear.

I wake up every morning afraid. I don’t feel secure. How can I? In my lifetime, I have had so called friends leave me to die, frame me for felonies. I have had blood relatives swear in a Court of Law that I did not exist. I have found much truth in two sayings. People act in their own interests and If you believe that everyone you meet will betray you, you will rarely be wrong.

I have found that as long as you can keep yourself tied to someone else’s goals, purposes, ect they will share their resources. The moment you become a detriment you are gone. As someone recently reminded me, no one keeps a broken ATM. Darian, that’s not nice! Life isn’t nice and what I said is a lot closer to many peoples reality than not.