Chapter 4: Molly Kraus

August 13, 1995, Chicago, Illinois

“Hi, Molly!” I said when I walked into Ruth’s Chris Steak House where we were having lunch so I wouldn’t miss the usual family dinner which we had on Sunday nights.

“Hi!” she replied, giving me a quick hug.

We walked over to the maître d’ and were shown to our table, which I’d reserved earlier in the week.

“So, how did the conversation go?” I asked.

“About the way I expected,” she sighed. “He’s supremely pissed at me.”

“Can you really blame him? Hanging up on someone is a fairly grave insult. And that was on top of telling him that another sensei didn’t agree with his methods.”

“I know. It was a big mistake.”

“Did you apologize?”

“Yes. He accepted my apology, but I’m basically on probation. The crappy thing is, that means I can’t really make any changes and have to follow his lousy ideas and methods. I need a way to escape.”

“Did you try talking to him about your ideas?”

“He won’t listen because of how I went about it from the beginning.”

“Then all I can suggest is time. Give him a few months to calm down, then approach him in humility.”

“The man has NO idea what that means! He’s insanely arrogant. He’s nothing like you.”

“And if you make that comparison to him, you’ll NEVER find a solution.”

“Can I ask you something, totally off the record and unofficially?”

I knew what she was going to ask, and I knew how I had to answer it.

“Go on, but you know what I have to say.”

“I want you to help me figure out a way to escape, and for you to be my sensei.”

“I have to be VERY careful about how I’m involved. I can give you guidance about attitude, about personal growth, spirituality, and so on. But I can’t give you ANY advice about running your dojo nor can I do anything which would interfere with the relationship between you and your sensei. In the end, it’ll be up to him.”

“I just wish you could speak to him.”

“That’s one thing I certainly can’t do, at least not the way you mean. I’m also not sure it’s a good idea for me to meet him; at least not in the very near future.”

“So what do I do?”

“Focus on your interior life,” I said. “That is the most important place to start, and something I can certainly help you with.”

“Did you just say you wanted to be inside me?” she smirked.

I laughed, “That’s perhaps the most perverse interpretation of ‘interior life’ I’ve ever heard!”

“Sorry, but based on our last conversation, it just seemed like the thing to say! I was pretty sure you were OK with being goofy.”

“Very much so! I was just surprised because we were having a serious discussion.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to derail the conversation. Where do we start?”

“How’s your spirituality?”

“I’m not religious in any way. I haven’t been to church since I was in eighth grade.”

“I’m not talking about religion,” I said. “More about how happy you are with your personal answer to ‘Why am I here?’ and ‘What is my place in the world?’.”

“Truthfully? Not very. And I don’t think about it all that much. I just kind of go with the flow.”

“Really? Is that what you did with your sensei?”

“You know what they say about inertia, right? Well, you were the outside force. Everything was fine until the competition over Memorial Day weekend.”

“First lesson - it’s never events or people who are the issue, it’s always how we respond to what we encounter. The only thing we’re truly responsible for is our own actions and reactions.”

“Wait! You’re saying it’s my fault?”

“One of Sensei Jim’s most important ideas, and one with which I am in complete agreement, is that in any conflict there is blame to be placed on both sides. It may be terribly lopsided one way or the other, but in the end, there is fault to be found with everyone. In this case, it was your response to what you learned that created the major rift. There wasn’t one before, was there?”

“Not really. There were things I didn’t like, but there wasn’t an open conflict.”

“And you created one where one didn’t exist.”

“Yes.”

“Then your first task is to examine yourself, your actions, and your motives. You can’t really know anyone or understand anyone until you know and understand yourself.”

“Do you? And I don’t mean that disrespectfully; I’m truly curious.”

“Yes and no; it’s a work in progress, but I believe I’d made very significant progress in the last two years.”

“What happened?”

“A pair of trips to Japan, a trip to Europe, the death of a very close friend, and a heck of a lot of self-analysis.”

“Who helped you?”

“Sensei Jim, several very close friends, Sensei Robert and Sensei Hiro when I was in Japan, and a Buddhist monk I met there as well.”

“Can you teach me?”

The waiter came to the table and took our orders.

“I can guide you, but in the end, you have to learn everything for yourself. Nobody can tell you who you are or why you’re here. And until you have at least preliminary answers to those questions, you can’t make any real progress.”

“Are you saying you didn’t make any progress until about two years ago?”

“I was treading water and going in circles. You can ask pretty much anyone I know and they’ll confirm that everything changed after I went to Japan the first time.”

“Do you think you can help me?”

“That’s not what’s important,” I said. “It’s a question of whether or not YOU think I can help you, and if you’re willing to confront your own demons - your failings and weaknesses. Let me ask you, what are your goals in life?”

“You mean, like do I want to make 5th Dan or do I want to have kids or do I want to be successful?”

“Those are certainly potential goals.”

“What are yours?”

“To be the best man I can be and to do as little harm as possible.”

“Not do as much good?”

“No. There is too much evil in the world, and no amount of good seems to be able to drive it out. So I seek to add as little evil as possible.”

“That’s kind of the opposite of how most people look at it.”

“Most people are wrong, then. But fundamentally, until you sort out your own life, you aren’t in a position to tell others how to live theirs.”

“And you have?”

I laughed, “Not even close! Remember, I only promised to help you help yourself. I am in NO position to do anything other than offer guidance, which I have to admit is questionable.”

“If you question yourself, why should I trust you?”

“You shouldn’t trust anyone who doesn’t question himself or herself! The more sure someone is, the more likely they are to be wrong. Doubt is the seed of learning and progress. Think about this - if you are sure, beyond any shadow of doubt that you are correct, how can you grow, learn, or change?”

“Interesting. So you’re a skeptic?”

“More or less. And I’m actually fairly radical in my skepticism because I question everything, including my own ability to understand anything well enough to even know the right questions to ask!”

“Wow! But then how do you make decisions?”

I chuckled, “By assuming I know enough to do so and acting on the best information I have available. But I am always willing to consider alternatives and willing to reevaluate my decisions when necessary. One important way of dealing with it is to make decisions which CAN be changed, and which foreclose the fewest possibilities. Call it ‘wiggle room’, if you will.”

“So you’re skeptical of even your own decisions?”

“I have to be, to be true to myself. And I feel that’s very important because in my experience, there is no one more dangerous than a ‘True Believer’.”

Molly nodded, “I agree with you on that! So what about science?”

“I accept, provisionally, that which can be tested and shown to describe how the universe appears to work. But nothing is certain and everything is subject to revision. One way to look at it is to see the differences between Isaac Newton’s ‘Classical Mechanics’ and modern ‘Quantum Mechanics’. Newton’s ‘Laws’ work great on things like projectiles or orbits, but fall apart when dealing with things at the atomic and sub-atomic levels. So, was Newton wrong?”

“I suppose that depends on how you look at it, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. The best way I can think to put it is that his understanding was incomplete. And that’s true even with quantum mechanics. Current quantum field theory has trouble explaining one of the fundamental forces of the universe - gravity. In other words, our understanding is incomplete. It may well be that current quantum field theory is wrong; or it may be that our understanding of gravity, such as it is, is wrong. On the other hand, I know for sure that if I drop this knife,” I held it up, “it will hit the floor every single time.”

“I hadn’t thought about that. In science classes everything seemed so certain!”

“And if you think about the example I just gave, in our day-to-day lives, they are! We know gravity works. We know how to calculate trajectories for a spacecraft. We know, generally, how chemical reactions work. And so on. But that doesn’t mean we have complete understanding.”

“I get what you’re saying, but if you’re always skeptical, then how do you decide what to do each day?”

“By not allowing skepticism to lead to inaction. I make decisions based on the best information I have, then act on it, but leave myself as many ‘outs’ as possible. I guess you could say I operate on the assumption I can know, even though I’m not truly sure I can. It’s kind of like the ‘Free Will’ debate. I’m not sure we actually have it, but we have to act as if we do.”

“That’s a lot to swallow at one time!”

I smirked, “That’s what SHE said!”

“You brat!” Molly laughed.

“I figured the conversation had been heavy enough that a bit of levity was a good idea.”

“There’s that word again. ‘Heavy.’ Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth’s gravitational pull?”

I laughed, “Back to the Future is a fun movie.”

Our salads arrived and we began eating. The steaks arrived just as we finished our salads.

“Are we having dessert?” I asked when we finished our meal.

“That depends,” Molly smirked.

“On what?”

“Whether you have a taste for USDA Prime Shaved Wisconsin Beaver!”

I laughed hard, and was very glad I hadn’t been drinking anything.

“Shaved?” I smirked.

“Smooth as can be! I’ve shaved ever since puberty. I never liked the way my pubic hair looked.”

“You actually had it USDA graded?” I deadpanned.

“No, of course not, you goofball! I just thought that would be a funny thing to say in a steak house.”

“It was! And how is it served?”

“Hot and juicy!” she laughed.

“So now it’s a Wendy’s hamburger?” I teased, recalling the commercial. “That’s a real step down!”

“You better hope I don’t quote Clara Peller!” she smirked.

“Where’s the beef?” I chuckled. “That might be ego-deflating!”

“Well, deflated it’s not much good, now is it?”

“No! And I haven’t had any complaints. You do remember the ground rules, right?”

“I do! And you do remember my promise not to boil your daughter’s bunny?”

“I do! Can we be serious for a moment?”

“Sure.”

“What is it you want from me?”

“I thought that was blindingly obvious!” Molly exclaimed.

“So it’s purely physical?” I asked. “Nothing more?”

Molly looked confused.

“I thought that was what you wanted!” she protested.

“Then I’m afraid we haven’t been communicating properly.”

“Well, crap,” Molly sighed visibly deflating. “What did I miss?”

“Not you, us. Remember what I said before about both being at fault? That’s the situation here. Communication is tricky because there are at least four sides to every conversation between two people.”

“Four sides?”

“What I intended to say, what I actually said, what you actually heard, and what you thought you heard. The first and last are the ones that matter, and neither of us can know, with any kind of moral or philosophical or logical certainty what the other person thinks.”

“Skepticism again?”

“In a way, yes.”

“But I thought a relationship was out of the question. That it was just about sex.”

I smiled, “It’s never just about sex! My very first lover warned me that sex changes people and she’s been proven right time and time again. Without some kind of meaning beyond physical pleasure, sex is empty and unfulfilling. Or worse. The last time I had sex which was purely physical, it led to an existential crisis.”

“So what are you saying? You have me totally confused!”

“I suppose the best way to put it is that there’s a difference between intimacy and sex.”

Molly cocked her head, “They’re the same thing, aren’t they?”

I shook my head, “No, true intimacy is much deeper than sex. It’s truly getting to know a person for who they are, and bonding at the deepest level possible.”

“I thought that wasn’t possible in your mind!”

I smiled, “It’s not; and yet we operate as if it were possible. It’s the dichotomy I’ve raised with regard to several issues. You asked me to be your mentor and your guide. Do you think that’s possible without an intimate understanding of who you are?”

“Probably not.”

“Certainly not, I’d say. And here’s something to think about - a student needs to have an intimate relationship with her sensei. Again, not sexual; intimate. Otherwise, how can he properly guide her? And how can she trust his guidance?”

Molly’s eyes went wide and she nodded, “NOW I think I get it. And now I understand what’s wrong. And, it’s at least partly MY fault.”

“Good,” I smiled. “Why?”

“I kept my sensei in Milwaukee at arm’s length because I wanted to run my own dojo and do my own thing. That’s basically the opposite of what you and your sensei do. And why you refer to it as the ‘school’ of the «shihan» in Japan.”

“Very much so. We Americans tend to look down on protocol and formality, and we look askance at tradition. I’m as guilty of it as the next guy, but I question if that’s the right approach.”

“But shouldn’t we question those things?”

I smiled, “There’s the dichotomy again! Yes, we should question them, but we shouldn’t throw them out just because they’re old or because they come down to us from ‘dead white men’ or ‘the Church’ or some other thing which we don’t like. Japan is struggling with that now, with the formal, traditional ways doing battle with modernism. Personally, I think modernism is far too full of itself. It questions everything EXCEPT itself and its assumptions.”

“Which makes it dangerous, in your mind.”

“Bingo.”

The waiter came to the table and we ordered coffee, but no dessert. My body was still readjusting to my ketogenic diet, and I had to forgo even small amounts of carbohydrates during that time, which usually lasted about two weeks.

“So now what?” Molly asked when the waiter left.

“About what? Life? Karate? Your sensei? Our relationship? Sex?”

“I had meant the last one, but I’m not sure it’s on the menu at this point.”

“Sure it is; this is foreplay!”

“What?!” Molly gasped.

“Your goal, if I recall correctly, was to have me curl your toes and make your eyes roll back in your head. True?”

“Yes.”

“This is the path to get there.”

“You are a VERY strange guy!” she laughed.

“That seems to be a near-unanimous opinion!”

“Nobody has ever really talked to me this way. Not any of my friends; not my parents; not my teachers; not my sensei. How did you become the way you are?”

“A few people took serious interest in trying to help me. Sadly, the two most important aren’t available. One has a husband who doesn’t accept the kind of intimacy that it requires between her and me, and the other one was killed by a drunk driver a few years ago. I’ve also been helped by what we call Rap Sessions which we used to hold on Sundays with college students.”

“And you talk about stuff like this?”

“And more. But they’ve more or less died out.”

“Why?”

“A combination of reasons, really. Mostly it’s because we can’t find a way to get students interested in seeing alternative points of view. That’s happening in the country in general, where attitudes are becoming fixed and unwavering, and there isn’t true dialog. And it’s going to get worse.”

“So just when I find out the way forward, you tell me that society is going backwards?”

“Pretty much,” I said.

“So, what are you trying to tell me about us being together? I’m kind of confused because I know you’re married.”

“An adult affair means more than just sex. And, honestly, I think it’s just a matter of mindset for you. You felt it was just a physical thing, and that was the issue. Do you think that’s true now?”

“To tell you the truth, I’m not sure. You seem like you’re looking for a deep relationship, but you can’t be in one.”

“Which is not true, and which is why you’re confused. It’s entirely possible to have the kind of deep relationship we’re talking about without being romantically involved, if you will. It’s what should happen in a mentoring relationship; well, minus the sex.”

“Did you just say that if I want you as my mentor you won’t sleep with me?”

“We certainly couldn’t be lovers if I were to become your sensei. That’s the epitome of a bad ‘dual relationship’. You couldn’t trust me not to think about our relationship when it came to evaluating your progress, and pretty much anyone else would suspect I was playing favorites.”