Chapter 35: What A Load of Crap!

January 3, 1996, Chicago, Illinois

“The toilet in the men’s bathroom is clogged again,” Will said when I arrived at the dojo on Wednesday evening.

“Fucking government,” I sighed.

“What?”

“When we remodeled the old grocery store into the dojo, the toilets needed to be replaced and the new regulations that went into effect last year created toilets which don’t flush properly. And the government KNEW that, because they made it not only illegal to produce toilets that used more than 1.6 gallons, but also illegal to install them. And taking them out of your old house and putting them in your new one is a federal crime!”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY would have bought one of these new toilets if they weren’t forced to by the regulations. They don’t work. And as I said, the government obviously knew that, or they wouldn’t have made the old ones illegal. I’ll go take care of it.”

“What would you have done?” he asked, following me.

“One quick thing off the top of my head is something I saw in Europe - two handles. Basically, a ‘Number 1’ handle and a ‘Number 2’ handle. That alone would cut water usage dramatically. And the toilets don’t fill the bowl with water, so the ‘Number 1’ can use maybe a liter of water at most. Way less than 1.6 gallons! There are other things you could do as well, including changing how we charge for water, but I’d have to think that through.”

I plunged the toilet, then went to find Sensei Jim to let him know.

“Don’t say it!” Sensei Jim laughed after I told him.

“What? That the new toilets are crappy?” I grinned.

“You are NOT immune to extra exercises, despite that itty-bitty gold stripe on your belt!”

“You’re just no fun!” I said, reveling in MY opportunity to say what Penny frequently said to me.

“What’s the solution? I mean besides your usual comments about exercising your 2nd Amendment rights?”

“Except you know I won’t do that, as the ‘train of abuses’ isn’t long enough to have risen to the level where the right turns into the duty expressed in the Declaration of Independence. But, with regard to a solution? Technology-wise, there isn’t one at the moment, unless we adopt a different system such as one I saw in Europe which uses two handles. At some point, they’ll solve this problem, but there’s no real impetus to do so. After all, the manufacturers simply point to the regulation and blame the government. And it’s not as if people can stop buying toilets. This is a PERFECT example of regulation creating moral hazard.”

“OK, and besides your usual anti-government rant? One I agree with in this case, by the way.”

“Signs reminding people to use minimal TP, plus instructions on how to properly plunge a toilet, and a reminder to let you or I know if there’s an issue. I’ll call Gerald Brown and see if there are better toilets, but we didn’t buy bottom-of-the-line ones.”

“I have to say, I’ll be very happy to be free of all this nonsense when I move to Japan.”

“Their system is even more regimented than ours!” I protested.

“And how many government functionaries showed up at the school? Or bothered anyone? Heck, did you even SEE a policeman except in Tokyo, at the airport, or at one of the train stations?”

“No.”

“And do you seriously think anyone is going to bother «Shihan» Hideki, unless there is some outrageous crime committed at his compound?”

“Given what I saw, I would say not.”

“Then I rest my case!”

“It was, without a doubt, the calmest, quietest, and most invigorating experience I’ve ever had.”

“More evidence in my favor. Shall we go take care of our charges?”

I bowed, and then the two of us went to the main training room to begin the class and stopped, trying not to laugh, as once again, Birgit was ‘correcting’ Felipe on the transition between the 15th and 16th moves of «Heian Nidan», which Felipe was not executing to HER standards. Will and Therese were smiling, amused, shaking their heads when they saw us come out. I wondered if I should relieve Felipe of his torture, but he was as concentrated on following Birgit as she was on correcting him. But the class did have to go on and I nodded to Will, who gently interrupted them.

After that, class proceeded as usual, and after class, I went to talk to Sensei Jim again.

“Because of the crappy situation I had to deal with before class, I didn’t get a chance to talk to you about Stephie coming to karate.”

“How old is she? I can’t keep track of all your kids!”

“She’s five-and-a-half. Her birthday is in July.”

“Give me your honest evaluation.”

“She’s a five-year-old, but she’s MY five-year-old. She can handle the basic training we do for white belts and she’s certainly capable of behaving for an hour and following directions.”

“And how will that go over with the Queen of the Universe?” he asked with a smile.

“It’s a sister, so there won’t be an issue. If it was one of the brothers, well, I suppose it would depend. She and Albert don’t have any issues, but the other three? Sometimes we need flak jackets!”

“Does ANYTHING happen without her approval?”

“She likes to think not, but yes, it does. She certainly didn’t approve of my trip to Japan!”

“I think we can let Stephie start and see how she does. I don’t want to undermine the good work you’ve done with your kids.”

“Thanks.”

“I don’t have the extra-small uniform. I’ll order it tomorrow morning. I’ll have it for Saturday morning, if that’s OK.”

“Perfect.”

“Did you work things out with Molly?”

“Yes. I’ll go up on Saturday afternoons. She’s going to have a mandatory class for the next four weeks so we can do what amounts to orientation, and begin setting things on a better course. I’ll also arrange to show up randomly at other classes without her knowing in advance.”

“Good. Ichirou-san called me today to say that he received a complaint about you from her former instructor. He’s replying that it will be given the consideration such a complaint deserves.”

I smiled, “Let me guess, he whined about our fetish for Japan to a Japanese sensei!”

“In so many words, yes. He was at least circumspect on how he wrote it, saying that we’re in America and should follow American customs and traditions, not Japanese traditions and customs.”

“He’s entitled to his opinion,” I said. “He’s wrong, but he’s entitled to his wrong opinion! In fact, based on today’s events, I’d call his letter a load of crap!”

“Get out of here!” Sensei Jim laughed. “I’ll see you tomorrow evening!”

I bowed, and went to join my wives and Birgit for the walk home.

“Stephie can start on Saturday,” I said. “We had to order a uniform just as we did for Birgit when she started.”

“That’s all the kids except Matthew and Michael who are involved in some kind of sports,” Jessica observed.

“They do have gym class,” I said. “But Matthew is pretty much in drama full time, and Michael is in the technology club.”

“So Matthew takes after you, then,” Kara smirked.

“I haven’t been a ‘drama queen’ FOR YEARS!” I protested.

“He says with a whine,” Kara teased.

“Daddy doesn’t whine!” Birgit said firmly. “Daddy is strong!”

I picked her up and hugged her, then moved her into a pick-a-back position.

“She’s getting too big to carry on your hip!” Kara teased. “I guess Daddy isn’t quite as strong as his daughter thinks he is!”

“Mom!” Birgit commanded in a VERY familiar tone of voice. “Stop teasing!”

Jessica and I looked at each other, then broke up laughing.

“She sounds just like you, Kara!” Jessica declared.

“Oh, shut up you two!” Kara growled, but she laughed with us.

January 5, 1996, Chicago, Illinois

“What’s wrong, Dad?” Birgit asked as we cuddled on Friday morning.

“I miss Calvin and Hobbes,” I said.

“I like Susie Derkins! She thinks Calvin is a ‘poop head’!”

“Actually, Calvin called Hobbes a ‘poop head’! But you really like when Calvin and Susie play house!”

“Yes! Susie is in charge! He takes care of the house and kids and she goes to work! And she always wins when they fight!”

“She even kidnapped Hobbes once.”

“But Hobbes liked it because he likes his belly rubbed! Boys are dumb, but they like attention from girls!”

“Yes, they do,” I chuckled.

“Why isn’t it in the comics anymore?”

“Because the artist who draws it stopped drawing it. It’s like the comic that had Opus the Penguin in it, called Bloom County which stopped just after you were born.”

“Those stuffed penguins you have?”

“Yes. All of the Opi.”

“Why do they stop?”

“It’s hard work to always come up with new ideas and tell new stories. Bloom County ran for nine years and Calvin and Hobbes ran for ten.”

“Do you have a new favorite?”

“Not really. I read others, but those were my two all-time favorites. You can read the Bloom County comics in the books I have in my study if you want. I also have the Calvin and Hobbes books, though they aren’t complete. You’ve read most of the ones from the last two years.”

“I think Calvin is in love with Susie!” Birgit declared.

“Why?”

“Because he always teases her and tries to be with her, even if he pretends he doesn’t like her!”

“So you understand your brothers love you?”

“Yes! But they’re dumb boys!”

“And me?”

“Sometimes,” she giggled. “Aunt Joyce said you aren’t a shithead like you used to be!”

“Well, thank you Aunt Joyce!” I chuckled.

“She loves you, Dad!”

“I know, Pumpkin.”

“I love you, too!”

“And I love you!”

I hugged her and then we went to the kitchen to make breakfast.

January 6, 1996, Racine, Wisconsin

“If you go out there and say THAT, they’ll all quit!” Molly protested.

“It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but telling them ‘life as you know it, is over’ is a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

“It gets the point across succinctly!”

“You’re serious?”

“No, of course not!” I laughed. “You are SO easy to wind up!”

“Watch it, buster!”

“Or what? You’ll beat me up? You couldn’t land a blow if you tried!”

“I lose either way! If I do land a blow, «Shihan» Jim will kick my butt for hitting you!”

“Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?” I grinned.

“Is this how it’s going to be?”

“Obviously! You knew from day one I was a Smart Ass, Miss ‘Freshly shaved Wisconsin beaver’!”

“USDA Prime! And don’t you forget it!”

“Trust me, I have VERY fond memories! But that’s in the past, and honestly, all kidding aside, that’s one area where we shouldn’t tease each other.”

Molly nodded, “Unfortunately, I agree with you. The wrong word at the wrong time could cause all sorts of problems.”

“Back to my comment, I actually AM going to say something to Mitchell.”

Molly sighed, “I know. My big mistake. What do you propose?”

“Once we do warm-ups, I’ll have the senior belts demonstrate kata, and then have him spar with Ted. Ted will absolutely kick Mitchell’s ass despite being 3rd Kyu to Mitchell’s 2nd. Heck, I’M tempted to spar with Mitchell. He’d never land a blow, but if that got back to Sensei Jim, I’d be in real trouble.”

“Not to mention what Doctor Jessica would do to you!”

“Let’s not discuss that,” I chuckled. “I prefer my anatomy exactly as it is, concussions and all!”

We left Molly’s small office and went to the training room. She called the students to line up, which was something that was going to change right away - they should NOT have to be told. Once they had lined up, she introduced me.

“This is my new «Shihan», Steve Adams, from JM Martial Arts in Hyde Park, which is on the South Side of Chicago. As you know, we are no longer studying under Sensei Matt. That means there will be some changes in our methods and style to more closely match those of Dojo Hisakawa Hiro in Oguni, Japan. For the next few months, Sensei Steve will be coming here to help us adjust, to evaluate us, and train us. Next weekend, we’re all going to Hyde Park to meet «Shihan» Jim and our brother and sister students. Sensei Steve?”

“Good afternoon!” I said warmly. “Sensei Molly and I were joking before about me saying that life as you know it, is over. While that is a bit extreme, what is true is that much of what you might have learned about karate will have to be unlearned. Don’t get me wrong - the techniques are largely the same, though there are always variations in focus amongst schools. The «dojo kun», the rules of the dojo, from the school in Japan are an important part of our training.

“The very first thing to learn is proper behavior when you come into a dojo. I want you to think of it as if you are entering a church, a temple, or a mosque. The dojo training room is, in many ways, a sacred place, where we practice ‘The Way’. Early dojos in Japan were often adjuncts to Buddhist temples, and as such, were treated in that way. This means that when you enter, you never wear shoes, you bow to the «Shomen» - the front of the dojo where we’ll put a small Buddhist shrine - then take your place, according to rank. Nobody should need to tell you to line up or be quiet. You should just do it.”

I scanned the assembled students, some of whom were nodding appreciatively, some of whom looked bewildered, and a few of whom were clearly upset. One of those was Mitchell, which didn’t surprise me in the least.

“Ted!” I commanded.

“Yes, Sensei!” he replied.

“Warm-ups!”

He came to the front of the room and executed a perfect, crisp bow. I returned the bow, and moved to the side to watch as he led the warm-up exercises. When he finished, he bowed to me, then returned to his place.

“Sit!” I barked.

Three students, including Ted, immediately dropped to the proper sitting stance, but most of the class simply sat down.

“In the dojo,” I continued, “we sit like Ted, Amy, and Marissa are sitting. It’s called «seiza» in Japanese. You’ll learn a few terms as we go along, and more if you are interested.”

Everyone moved to the proper sitting stance.

“Good. I’m going to ask you to move to the benches shortly so that I can observe your «kihon», kata, and «kumite». I’m sure you all know what kata are; «kihon» are the basic moves which we practice - strikes, blocks, and stances; «kumite» is sparring. We’ll begin with all students from 4th Kyu, purple belt, down to 10th Kyu, white belt. Everyone else move to the benches!”

“Yes, Sensei!” Ted, Amy, and Marissa all said, and moved quickly and smartly.

“That’s the pattern to follow,” I said. “When Sensei Molly or I or any other instructor gives a command, you say ‘Yes, Sensei’ and then comply. Now, I’m going to call out stances, strikes and blocks, and I want to see you do them. There is no need to respond except to execute whatever I say.”

For the next five minutes I barked out commands and evaluated each of the students on their «kihon», and was pleased at how well most of them performed. There were a few sloppy moves, and I made mental notes to discuss those with Molly at the end of class.

“Good,” I said. “Thank you. You may be seated on the benches.”

“Uh, that wasn’t a command,” a boy of about ten named Tyler said.

“No, it wasn’t. I won’t always give commands. If I say it the way I just did, there is no need to respond ‘Yes, Sensei!’ though it’s never inappropriate to do so. Now I’m going to evaluate the 3rd kyu and up. First, I’ll have you do a random kata, and then we’ll have you pair off to spar.”

I called them in order from junior to senior, which meant Amy went first, then Marissa, then Ted, and finally Mitchell. I pointed out small issues with the first three, but with Mitchell, I had seen enough in less than 30 seconds into «Kanku Sho».

“Stop!” I commanded. “That was extremely sloppy. I realize that combination is tricky, but you’re 2nd Kyu and should be able to do it better. Begin again, please. And this time, focus on correctly executing that complex set of moves you did just before I stopped you.”

He glared at me and moved back to his starting position without verbal acknowledgement. I let it go because I was trying to make a different point. He began again, and while his technique was still sloppy, he did better, so I let him finish.

“Amy, Marissa, please put on sparring gear and take your positions!”

“Yes, Sensei!” they exclaimed and moved quickly to put on the sparring gear.

“No throws, please,” I said. “And remember the rules about dangerous strikes - never to the knees or neck. Begin!”

They did a credible job, each landing what I considered a reasonable number of strikes. I let them go until they were winded, and judged them to be about equal, and noted that they were performing about as I would expect a 3rd Kyu student would.

“Ted, Mitchell, please put on sparring gear and take your positions!”

“Yes, Sensei!” Ted said firmly, moving quickly.

Mitchell responded, but his response was lackluster, and he moved slowly. He was proving to be the epitome of a bad student, one who would never have progressed beyond an orange belt, if he even could have made it that far. I felt he was redeemable, but that was up to him, not me.

“Begin!” I said when they were in position.

As I expected, Ted whipped him, badly, landing a significant number of strikes. When I called time, Ted had a bemused look on his face and Mitchell looked embarrassed and angry. That told me I didn’t need to say anything.

“For the next exercise, I’m going to demonstrate some black belt techniques. Because of a medical condition, I can’t spar properly, so Sensei Molly is going to defend against my attacks.”

“Typical,” Mitchell muttered under his breath.

“On second thought, Mr. Jeffords, take your position!”

“Sensei Steve!” Molly blurted out in protest.

I shook my head and went to stand in front of Mitchell.

“We’re going to spar, you and me. Forget what I said about my medical condition. Sensei Molly, call ‘Begin!’, please.”

“Sensei!” she protested. “You aren’t wearing any protective equipment!”

“This is how it’s done in Japan. We’ll get there eventually with everyone.”