Chapter 48: Figuratively Butt-Fucking Larry and His Uncles Before Their Peers

Larry Alexander was a associate with the law firm who was a jerk and an ass-hole. Now he is a thief as well. He was also a pencil-necked wimp. Plus, he was not a good enough lawyer for this outfit, his appointment was the worst type of nepotism and would cost me money when I embezzled from the firm. Larry’s skinny-ass wife was the one who tried to ridicule Abril for being Hispanic and got it turned around on her, establishing Abril as the whitest woman as well as the most attractive woman in the room. Since that incident Larry hated me and was looking for a way to get me fired. He was also difficult for Li, my favorite whore at the firm. This last was not particularly aimed at me, it was just him being an ass-hole and trying to compensate for a physical shortfall.

Now, I admit to being a bastard, it has to do with the circumstances of my birth.

Larry was an ass-hole because he worked at it. I firmly believe that, when they sincerely ask for it, ass-holes should be fucked.

I did not know how long I could keep my dislike for Larry in check and continue to let him live. It helped greatly that I did not see him often.

Larry had two powerful allies. His uncle and godfather and mentor Ben Alexander was the newest senior partner in the firm, their relationship was public knowledge. As a new senior partner Ben spent a lot of time getting familiar with clients he picked up from retiring partners. In addition to Ben, Cody “Chet” Chester, the CTO (Chief Technology Officer) for the firm was an established senior partner who was an uncle to Larry’s shrew of a wife. This relationship was not obvious and more importantly was not disclosed, which was a fatal violation of the firm’s partnership agreement. I had proof of the relationship in the form of documents and telephoto pictures from the last Thanksgiving and Christmas parties. I was saving them until they could make a big bang.

I imagined that Larry’s plan was to steal the water rights brief from my computer and give it to the firm as his own work. (That is what I would do if I could, except Larry had nothing of substance worth stealing thanks to his uncles.) For best results, he would want to present my brief under his own name on a morning immediately before a partner’s meeting. His uncles would then move to dismiss me from the firm, on the basis that I was unproductive since Larry had done my work along with his own while I had produced noting. They would get on the meeting agenda using some benign general subject. It might well work. After all, how can one prove authorship if we have secure computers? Plus, I would not be there to defend myself.

Because of some comments I made in the regular project reports they figured my brief would take another three or four months to complete. That would be enough time for Larry to familiarize himself with the brief before his presentation, which would bolster his claim of authorship. (He is not a great lawyer, but he is good enough to fake it.) It is a fact that none of the partners saw me around much because I worked at night, and there was a perception that I was slow in my work and was putting in insufficient hours. Larry, of course, was around all day smiling and chatting up partners, not exactly working, but clearly working it.

Still, removing me would be a hard sell because Larry’s skinny wife Alice was an anorexic, sharp-tongued, shrew with no figure who was nobody’s sexual fantasy. (Okay, maybe if she was bound and gagged... ) On the other hand, every partner wanted to get their hands and naughty parts on super-white feminine ideal Abril’s extraordinary body.

Larry probably figured there was a chance Abril might break up with me if we had a little more time; this reflected a cultural bias about hot bodies who were hot-tempered and always had an eye open for something better. He was sure that Abril would jump to a actor or professional athlete, it was just a matter of time. It was a fact that Larry never had much luck with any women; he had asked several Hispanic women for a date but was always turned down with a giggle and a comment in Spanish he could not understand.

Alice married Larry at her uncle’s suggestion because he was going to make money. Also, Larry negotiated and signed a prenup saying he would never ask for a blow-job or any “weird” sex. He was also forbidden to use sex-professional. (The firm’s coffee-break working girls were a loophole the wife didn’t know about and did not count.) For her part, Alice agreed that he could see her naked, but only once a month; Larry was a shrewd negotiator who insisted on that clause. I have no idea why.

(The prenup was briefly posted on the firm’s web site. It was redacted, but they missed one home address lines. I think the posting involved a bet between partners. Li pointed it out to me, I don’t have much cause to surf the boring company site.)

The monthly partner’s meeting, which was so essential to Larry’s plan, is always held on a Wednesday. Which Wednesday varied month-to-month, based of the schedules of the 5 ranking partners. It was pure luck that they met the Wednesday after I discovered the keyboard change. I made that work to my advantage.

The partners gathered between 12:00 and 12:30, ate lunch from 12:30 to 1:00, then had their business meeting, with 1) old business first, then 2) new business from the agenda, then 3) other items. The meeting generally broke up around 2:00, the partner’s time was expensive so they did not like to run over.

Late Tuesday morning I scheduled my presentation at 2:00 Wednesday, giving only 27 hours of notice instead of 3 months Larry planned on. Suddenly the worm had to scramble and schedule his presentation for 11:30 Wednesday, just 24 hours after I put my revised brief on the computer. My brief was over 1,200 very dense pages, which was far too much to read. I am sure he stayed up late going over the first 100 pages - which were real - and the last 50 pages - which were whole cloth - but it all looked excellent. He missed the 5 footnotes (out of more than a thousand) in the body of the text which were traps. Also, because of the rush, his uncles could not get my dismissal on the agenda for the meeting, they would have to make the motion as part of “other items” which were discussed only if there was time.

There wouldn’t be time.

Larry’s presentation and the partners meeting went as planned until 1:58 when “Agenda New Business” wrapped up. Larry’s uncle tried to get recognized, but Judge Stern stood up so everybody else sat down and shut up. Arthur Stern is a former Federal Judge who is the firm’s Standards and Practices Czar, a position that means a lot of money in terms of lower cost malpractice insurance. When he speaks, partners listen, so when he stands it is always a priority. The Judge is a strict SOB who gives deference to nobody, the law and ethics are his life. He is empowered to call a meeting anytime an issue is “ripe” within his purview.

Judge Stern addressed the assembled partners. “Silence please. Certain grave matters and the associated evidence have come to my attention. There being a quorum of the partnership present I am convening an immediate trial into the conduct of Mr. Larry Alexander, Ben Alexander and Cody “Chet” Chester for crimes against the partnership of the very lowest sort. Joe Pope will present the evidence and prosecute with Mr. Grey (that was me) assisting. I have ordered Mr. Marshall to gather the witnesses and to hold the defendants. Anything they say out of order will be heard by the court as a guilty plea. Please, let staff rearrange the tables.”

I was in the room at the time, I had been summoned by Joe, who was my mentor. Mr. Marshall, our security head, ushered Larry, the tech guy Jasper, and Chester’s loyal long-time personal secretary Mary Riley into the room. Larry was seated with his uncles, this was not what he expected. Jasper looked miserable as he was put at another table. Mary was marched directly to the witness stand, Judge Stern ran a brisk court. Cody “Chet” Chester took his seat for a moment, then stood, waiting to be recognized. As senior partner, he would speak for the defense.

Finally the Judge was ready and he called on Chet. “The court recognizes Chet. Do you have a specific motion or plea?” This told Chet that this was NOT a conversion; he would need his limited, decades-out-of-date trial experience.

He had a motion. “I move that his trial be dismissed due to lack of notice.”

The Judge was ready for that. “I have said many times that a lawyer is responsible, at all times, for his words and his acts. The defense is aware that no notice need be given in the case of Contempt of Court. The acts on trial are ongoing, they attack the intellectual property of every lawyer in the firm, and they are beneath contempt. Motion is denied. Joe, will you make a statement?”

Trials within the partnership are conducted by rules that reflect the cost of the assembled partners’ time, since they are the jury. There was a degree of formal informality, such as addressing partners by their first name. But they followed the essential forms of a regular trial.

Joe got up to speak. “Partners, earlier today Mr. Larry Alexander presented a water rights brief as his own complete work. It is neither.” At that Larry said a bad word and was gaveled to order. Joe continued. “I will show that Larry Alexander is a thief and liar and that his accomplices, who aided in this theft and compromised all the intellectual property of the firm, are unfit to be associated with the firm. I will further show that AAAAA LA Computer Service has breeched their contract and should be dismissed, for grave cause, as soon as possible, with the imposition of the penalty and damages clause of our contract.”

“Does the defense have a statement?” the Judge asked.

All three declined to speak, since anything they said would be held against them and frankly, they were caught with their pants down and their butts up. The trial had a cost, reflecting the time spent by the firm’s personnel at current billing rates; at the end of the trial the judge would assign that cost to the two parties based on the time they wasted. It moved things along for both sides.

Mary was the first witness. She was asked to read some footnotes in the document, signed by Larry, which she printed and circulated to the partners a few hours earlier. She acknowledged her role in the work. The footnotes she read were the five I planted for this purpose.

She first read footnote 990. (Note: Justice Thomas was added to SCOTUS in 1990) “ ... Justice Thomas ... unqualified... 13th Amendment...” Everyone in the room knew the 13th amendment freed the slaves.

Of course there was a collective gasp from the room and the Judge had to gavel for silence. Larry tried to say something about a typo but he was silenced and reminded that he did not have to be in the room to be tried.

Next she read footnote 993, which was similar except for the particulars “ ... Justice Ginsburg ... unqualified... 19th Amendment...” Most of us knew that the 19th amendment gave women the vote.

The third footnote she read argued in favor of the 18th amendment, except for American indians. Maybe I went to far with that one, the 18th Amendment banned booze in the US, starting prohibition. It was repealed. But many of the partners had a drink in their hands so I was striking close to home.

Next Mary was asked for the number of my office and Larry’s. “217 for Mr. Grey, and 328 for Mr. Larry Alexander,” she answered.

Joe asked, “Please read footnote 217, reading only the first two words and the the second word of each subsequent line.”

“This brief ... is ... stolen ... from... 217 ... by ... office... 328. But that is only a partial reading...” Mary argued. She was loyal to her boss, and those few words cost her the job she needed.

The judge gave her the gavel. “The witness will answer the question asked and refrain from additional comments,” the Judge instructed.

Joe kept up. “Please read footnote 328, again reading only the first two words and the the second word of each subsequent line.”

“I admit ... that ... I ... stole ... this ... work ... from... 217.”

“Who signed as author of the document you have read from?”

“Mr. Larry Alexander.” With that Larry was cooked. One down, two to go.

“Your witness.”

The defense knew better than to ask anything. They had no defense here, but so far the evidence was circumstantial and, except for the damning signature, could point to me. They had a shot at reasonable doubt.

Next Joe put up the video of Jasper installing the gizmos in my office as well as Larry’s office. Both Larry and Ben watched both operations. That killed reasonable doubt and indicted Ben. Joe also produced the computer logs that showed Cody “Chet” Chester’s password being used on my computer. After that he called Jasper to the stand and mentioned that a police officer was outside the room waiting to arrest him, on criminal charges. Then he asked Jasper if the time-stamped video was accurate as to time and contents. The nerd panicked and gave them all up, saying the CTO (Chet) had ordered him to do it, and given him the powerful master password that “opened the door.” He also claimed that he was ordered to work with Ben and Larry present in my office. Finally, when Jasper complained about Larry’s laptop being in the building, which was a serious security breech, Ben swore he would be fired, arrested, and left to rot in jail.