Chapter 10: Bailey Takes Rejection

Of course he was gone. He was gone before he’d even left the garage. What was I thinking, teasing him like that. I walked back home early in the afternoon. There was a whole day left, my mom was up and about and Brian was gone. She asked questions, but I just gave one word answers and gingerly walked upstairs to the shower. I couldn’t run up with the soreness as bad as it was. Plus I probably reeked of wine coolers, so letting her give me a hug was off limits.

I washed the scent of him off me in the shower. I guess I needed to do that. I couldn’t tell anyone about that experience. I wouldn’t be able to tell Becky or Addy that I lost my v-card. I just needed to be quiet.

I quietly collapsed in bed, but it felt more like a bowl of regret soup that I was stewing in. Of course he didn’t really want me, I just teased him until he couldn’t take anymore. It really was my fault, he was such a good kind man, and I was a dumb little slut. Why would he want me for real?

I think a nap was a good idea. I always feel better after sleep.

Like day and night it is. I woke refreshed, a different woman. A woman. I smiled at the thought. By Monday, I had things really figured out. I was sexy, a woman with womanly needs, and with everything she needed to get everything she wanted. I scrolled through Constance’s insta. Garrett and Constance’s bf were flexing by the pool while she and Becky gave cute pensive poses looking up to the boys. He really was beautiful. I know you don’t usually call boys beautiful, but Garrett was that, soft big eyes, tosselable hair, lean and strong. I don’t know how else to say it.

But things had changed. He was no longer too intimidating for me to talk to. I was a woman now. Armed with the knowledge that sex was awesome. It was so intense, it was way beyond when I would touch myself.

I needed a plan to get Garrett’s attention. I wasn’t going to tease him, like I did with older men. I was going to be direct with Garrett. Mostly I just needed a way to get him alone. He was in regular classes mostly, and I was in the honors track so we didn’t have any classes together. But I knew Addy’s schedule and she was in regular classes. I hatched a plot.

In Mr. Wainwright’s class I got a pass to go to the bathroom. I was still one of his favorites, so, no biggie. As soon as I was out, modified the pass. Good thing I have excellent penmanship. It was as good as I was going to make it in short time. I hustled over to Becky’s civics class and peeked in the door. I saw Becky right away but it took a few seconds to spot Garrett in the back corner. This was the big moment. I could turn back and go to class and be a boring nobody forever. Or I could be the woman I had become and get the boy I wanted. I knocked on the door.

The teacher answered it and I handed him the pass. “Mr. Longtree, you’re needed in the main office.” There were a few ooh’s, but Garrett just looked confused. He packed up his stuff and came out.

His face bloomed recognition, “Hey, you’re Becky’s friend, right? Bailey?”

I beamed, he knew of me, he even knew me even though we didn’t speak. “Yeah, hi.” I suddenly felt so shy, I was tracing my fingers down my arm, all bashful. I looked up to him and tucked my hair back behind my ear. “You’re Garrett right?”

He nodded, “It was on the note.”

We spoke simultaneously, “How’d you know about-” “Is this about-”

I giggled, “You first.”

“Is this about my Dad? We just got a call from him - he wasn’t in the warzone anymore.”

Oh god, his Dad was probably a soldier or something, “Oh no, nothing like that.”

His shoulders dropped in relief and he smiled even brighter. “Okay phew.” I turned to enter the stairwell, “Okay, so I just go on to the office.”

I grinned and beckoned for him to join me. The thrill was rising up in me. He followed.

“I mean you could go to the office, but they wouldn’t know why you were there.”

“Huh?”

“I decided to cut class and see if I could have some fun with it.”

“Oh. Oh, huh, cool.”

“C’mon,” I lead him to the top of the back stairwell.

“You know, you’re nothing like I thought you’d be.”

I grinned, oh my god this was perf! This was going better than I ever imagined! “What did you think of me?” I asked with a coquettish smile.

“Adrianna said you were really smart and into books. She said you were a great friend with a great personality. But that you were just a little quiet.”

“I can be quiet. But I don’t always have to be.”

He gave me a quizzical look, “So why didn’t you grab her out of class. I’m not complaining, civics is a bore and our votes don’t matter anyway, but why me?”

“I dunno,” I moved in closer to him. “Maybe I think you’re cute.” He chuckled and let me slide into his private space. I was bold flying high on a thudding heartbeat. I was Milady De Winter, “Do you think I’m cute?”

“Uh, sure, you’re cute,” he stammered as I felt his abs. Wow, I could feel the ridges through his shirt, the six pack I’d had only seen on insta was at my fingertips. I craned my neck up and closed my eyes waiting for his lips to come claim me.

“Oh shit,” he backed out and held me off at arms length, “Did Becky put you up to this?”

“What?”

He sighed, “Phew oh man, she put you up to this, didn’t she. Wow, that’s messed up.”

“What?”

He chuckled, “Oh man, you almost had me for a second there.”

I was losing him, I don’t know how or why, so I stepped it up, “No one put me up to this honest. I just think you’re hot and I thought maybe we could hook up or something. I can do things you know, with my mouth.” I bit my lip.

That stopped him in his tracks for a moment. I could see him picturing it, then I was picturing it. I had him. But his lips broke the spell. “This, this, test or whatever this is. Man, you know what, you can tell her that we’re done. If she can’t trust me that’s it, this is Fucked Up.”

“Test,” I backed up, “this isn’t a test.”

“Yeah it is, when we kissed, she asked me not to ever hurt her and I promised I wouldn’t. Now all of a sudden her best friend comes on to me? The scrawny assed bookworm? Drop the act.”

My jaw dropped, “You ... you kissed her?” My eyes were watering.

“Oh em eff gee, quit it, it’s over. That bitch can go fuck herself. She didn’t even send the hot one, she sent the fucking bookworm. What, I guess Constance wasn’t up for your mind games, Becky? And you, you’re a piece of ... work.”

Tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t see him anymore and I just whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over. He’d stopped talking and he was staring at me. I felt naked, and not in a good way. I looked at him a complete mess and choked out, “I didn’t know, I’m sorry.” Between gasps of breath I pleaded, “Please, please don’t tell her.”

“Oh shit ... You-”

I could feel it coming, an ugly cry. I fled downstairs and ran to the girl’s bathroom. He didn’t chase me because of course not. My stomach was in knots and I was bawling. Of course he didn’t like me, why would I think I could get Garrett to like me? He only knew me because he liked Addy. Of course he wanted her instead. I even offered to suck his dick. Oh my god, I’m such a worthless slut, of course he’d never want me. I hate myself, I hate my life, I just wanted to die, sink into the toilet and drown like an ant.

“Bailey?”

Oh God, what now?

“Bailey?” It was Melissa, she was in my History class with Mr. Wainwright.

I held in my sobbing long enough to reply, “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, go away.”

“Can, can I get you something?”

“No, I’m in the bathroom.”

“Sorry, it’s just ... Mr. Wainwright sent me to look for you. Do you want me to tell him you’re sick?”

“Yeah. Tell him I’m sick,” I muttered the rest to myself, “tell him I’m dead.”

“Uhm, okay. You stay right here okay?”

Shit. Well that was the last thing I could do. I forced myself up and over to the mirror. Damage control time. I didn’t even have makeup to hide my puffy eyes. I washed with cold water and breathed to calm down the best I could. I hurried out to get to the trailer. It was still between classes and still a quiet time, but to me it felt more like a jailbreak than isolation.

Mr. Wainwright had a look of concern when I got back. In fact everybody was staring at me. God Mellissa, you bitch. She probably came back yell, “Bailey’s crying” at the top of her lungs. “Eight oh two fourteen, cancel that,” he said into his walkie talkie.

I sat down, and tried to keep a neutral face. He poked my desk and whispered, “See me after class.” He tried to talk to me. I could see Addy looking at me with concern. I was glad we were separated earlier this year for talking too much. I don’t think I could face her right now. Oh God, what if he told Becky what I’d done. I’d lose everyone.

I couldn’t concentrate on class but blessedly there wasn’t much left. When the bell rang, I just sat still as a statue. Mr. Wainwright tried to reach me. He tried all the classic, “I’m concerned,” stuff, and the, “This isn’t about judgement.” He followed up with, “Are things okay at home?”

I muddled my way through with pro forma answers.

“You’re a beautiful young mind, and I’m worried. I need you to understand, as your teacher, I’m a resource for you. If you need help, please reach out to me. I - we, the school can help, we have plenty of resources if you need them.”

“Don’t bother. I’m not-,” I almost slipped up and told the truth. I almost said I am not worth your time. I took a deep breath. “I’m not going through anything unusual. It’s just regular stupid stuff.”

He smiled a soft smile and put his hand on my shoulder, “I don’t believe you. But don’t worry, I’m not giving up on you. You don’t have to tell me now, just ... just make me a promise.” He was close. Closer than a teacher should be to a student. It felt intriguing. My eyes shined up to him. “Promise you’re not going to give up on you,” he patted me meaningfully.

I looked down. Of course, not every man is a perv. He’s just being cheesy. I’m the stupid slut thinking like that about Mr Wainwright. Flooded with shame, I just whispered ok. Still I couldn’t help but imagine looking up and seeing the face of Mr. F. He’d make me strip if he was here. Mr. Wainwright would watch and they’d both get hard for me, oh god why am I thinking like this, what is wrong with me.

My cheeks burned with shame, but somehow that just made it hotter. He was so close I could smell him, like suede and old books. I took a deep breath and sighed, “I promise.”

“Don’t forget this week’s assignment is due tomorrow. I won’t take a late paper this time. Now hurry up, you’ve still got some time to get to class.”

I nodded and left, Addy and I speed-walked to get to class. Pressed for answers I just told her, “I guess I’m not good at cutting class.” I couldn’t tell her. God, I hope Garrett didn’t tell Becky. Oh God, Garrett. The rest of the day passed in a fugue state. I knew the truth of what Garrett thought of me. That beautiful boy. He knew I existed which was worse than not knowing I was alive. He knew I existed and thought I was plain, ugly, nowhere near as beautiful as Becky or Constance. He thought I was the plain dumb boring girl who’s obsessed with books before, now he thought I was the evil manipulative whore, but I couldn’t even pull that off ‘cause I’m ugly and disgusting. Of course he wouldn’t want me, god why did I think he would?

I hid in my own cocoon for most of the day, but I couldn’t exactly ignore Becky.

“Bailey, do you know what happened to Garrett at the office?”

I shrugged, “Wh- what do you mean?”

“I mean like he came back like totally weirded out and wouldn’t tell me what happened.”

“What happened with Garrett?” Adrianna looked to Becky then back to me. Addy looked at me weird, but I could see her putting the pieces together.

“I don’t know, I’m trying to find out. Bailey? Come’ on girl, don’t let me down, spill.”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, fighting off the tears that were straining to come out.

“Bailey, jesus, this isn’t funny just tell me.”

Adrianna laid a hand on Becky’s arm that stayed her questions, while I hurried onto my bus. I could see Becky going from confused to furious. He hadn’t told, but it didn’t matter. She knew or was about to. Adrianna wouldn’t pick me in the fallout. I wasn’t really good for anything as a friend anyway. I wasn’t good for anything. Maybe Becky would be better off this way, I thought, as my heart sank into an empty void leaving an open cavity in my chest.

I was frayed and numb by the time I got home. The chorus of voices in my head beating me down had calmed mostly with the understanding that I knew. I knew what I was and how worthless I was. Mom and Dad weren’t home. Brian was out still. I couldn’t work on the paper, I could barely focus on anything. I was truly alone. No friends nor family to make feel better, I wasn’t even supposed to see Mr. Gadsten. I would have done anything to have him pay attention to me. He could ply me with anything and fuck me any way he wanted if he’d just tell me I was pretty and smile at me. Suddenly that didn’t seem like a bad idea.

The sky had gone overcast when I ran outside and over to the open garage, “Mr Gadsten?”

“Yes, Bailey, what is it?”

“Hi, uhm, do you need any help.”

He inhaled a hiss of breath, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, honey.” He stepped closer and muttered low, “You remember what we talked about?”

“Yeah, I- yeah, I just thought...”

He shook his head, “Not now, honey. Trust me, we both know it’s better this way. For now, right?”

“I,” I stopped myself and nodded.

“That’s a good girl, go on back home now, you’ll be fine I promise you.”

I felt so desolate, and the walk back to my home felt like a journey into the desert. I didn’t know how else to beg for help, so I did the only way I thought might matter, “You could do stuff to me if you want.” It was barely a whisper.

He hissed out, “Bailey! You can’t say stuff like that. Not in public. Go on now, get.”

I couldn’t look up at him. I couldn’t handle another set of eyes hating me. By the time I got to my bed I couldn’t even cry. “I’m tired,” I announced to the nobody who was listening or would ever care. I got into bed and curled up. I don’t know if I slept, I don’t think I did. I stared at the wall for a while I thought about who I was and what that meant. Disgusting whore, terrible friend, messed up worthless ... Whatever.

Mom got home and I pretended to be asleep. Brian got home much later when the sun had gone down.

In all my self analysis, I did come up with one thing I was good for. I touched my fingers to my lips and I thought about the taste of my brother. Incest. Well, given how much of a messed up piece of garbage I am, I suppose that makes sense. No, it wasn’t even bad if you really thought about it. Brian knew how to make me feel better. And incest was just a word. Incest incest incest. If you think about it too much it just becomes sounds strung together and loses all its meaning. Brian could touch me and it would be okay. I don’t know why, but I was crying again. I let it go until I couldn’t cry anymore and was just sort of there. I sat up, wiped my tears away, and crawled out of bed there was one place that would be better than this fresh hell, my brother’s bed. I knocked on his locked door. After “just a minute”, he opened it.

“Hi.”

“Hey Bails, wh- what’s wrong?”

I inspired deep and fast, “Can I sleep with you tonight?”

“Bailey, what-” I could hear a mild annoyance in his voice.

“I just, please? Don’t ask me, just please?”