Chapter 37: Stronger Beer

Mike’s Barracuda, London, Ontario

10:36am, Saturday, December 22, 1979

“You’re one of the best songwriters I’ve ever seen, Mike,” Eda started to say as I slowed to a stop at Highbury Avenue, “so why don’t you write Canella, and your baby a song that captures your heart and provides her and little JM with the joy of Christmas?”

“Oh! That’s an awesome idea, E! Maybe we could play whatever song you write for them in our televised concert, Mike?” Lisa said as she leaned forward from the passenger door and playfully slapped my right thigh.

“That is a great idea, E. Hopefully, my writer’s block has taken leave, so I’m able to come up with something for Nella and James Michael,” I said as I turned south on Highbury.

“Playing it for her won’t be an option as a Christmas present, but if we tell her about it, she’ll love it just the same, I bet,” Lisa added as she looked between her sister and me.

“I have an idea that I might work on at home before basketball practice,” I said as I accelerated up to sixty miles per hour.

“Are you gonna share it with us?” E laughed.

“Well, I have an idea for a ‘song present’ ... if I can get something worthwhile done and ready before we head up to Mitchell, tomorrow,” I replied.

“Aww, c’mon, Mike! You gotta share it with us!” Lisa whined in her soft sweet voice with her best ‘puppy-dog’ pleading face.

“If, and it’s a major IF ... but if I can get something written worth giving to her, I’d like to get it put on a plaque or possibly a scroll. Then Nella can hang it in her bedroom or in JM’s baby room.”

“That is so, so beyond awesome, Mike!” E said. She then leaned forward between the seats and smacked her sister’s left upper arm and added, “Lis, I’m sure we can get Aunt Gulia to embroider the words to Mike’s song on one of those display-like baby blankets.”

“Oh! God, yes! That would be so cool, E, Mike!” Lisa excitedly replied as she bounced around in the front passenger seat. “Oh, Mike! You gotta get this done like pronto, so we can get our aunt to make it tonight on her new embroidery machine. She does great work, doesn’t she, E?”

“Oh! Yeah! I can see this on one of those off-white or cream blankets with baby blue trim. Oh! Oh! We can get her to put one of those hanging bars along the top, so it can be displayed on the wall!” E exclaimed.

“Careful with grabbing my arm, E,” I laughed after correcting the slight yank to the right from E’s excited arm grab.

“Sorry! Sorry!”

“Yeah! We don’t need Mike or us getting killed while we’re planning this out,” Lisa laughed at her sister and me.

I gave E a bigger than normal kiss after helping her out of my car and said, “Thanks for coming up with that song-Christmas present idea, E. I sure hope I can come up with something worthwhile, and do it quick enough for your aunt to make that blanket.”

“I, we, have faith in you, Mike. Don’t stress over it, and I’m sure you’ll write the best song you’ve ever come up for Canella and Baby JM,” Eda replied and then pulled me in tight for a hug.

“Hey, save some hugs and kisses for me!” Lisa laughed after I planted another kiss on the top of E’s head.

“You can have all the ‘Xs’ and ‘Os’ you want, Bricky,” I chuckled as I led E around the front of my ‘Cuda to their driveway.

Lisa and I did share some sugar and body contact in her driveway for a few moments. Even though we’d had much hotter kisses, Lisa pulled back from me after sharing a more laid back kiss and said, “That was one of the sweetest, softest kisses ever, Mike. I know we like to go at it hot and heavy, but that was ... really nice. Now, go! You’ve got some work to do before your basketball practice; or I may pull you into the house, and that song will never get written in time to make that baby blanket.”

“I love you, Lisa. I sure hope I can get something done, so your aunt can make that baby blanket for me ... for Canella and JM,” I replied and pulled Lisa in for another short kiss.

“I love you, too, Mike. Now, git! Git! Go! Go!” Lisa laughed as she bounded through the back gate and disappeared around the back of her house.

On the way home to Bryanston, my computer materialized over the passenger seat with a voice message from the Energists that said, “Hello, Dr. Mike. This is Pink-Alpha. I’m sending this to you because you just need to hear these words as you are driving your automobile. For this song to come to you, I need you to focus on what YOU need to continue doing during your rebooted time at Medway High School, as well as what you’d like your unborn son to be as he grows up to be the best hockey player and greatest athlete of all time. This simple focus will allow you to write the best song ever for Ms. Canella and little JM. Ms. Canella will cherish this gift and make sure your child lives by your wonderful words. Take care and have a wonderful White Christmas.”

I just chuckled at Pink-Alpha’s last words as a small snow flurry kicked up as I headed north out of London on Highbury. With a laugh, I began to sing in my best low baritone, Bing Crosby like voice:

(Note: White Christmas was written by Irving Berlin in 1940, and was made famous by Bing Crosby in both his Holiday Inn and White Christmas movies. Bing’s version of this song is the best-selling single record of all time with more than 100 million copies sold.)

‘Jeeze!’ I then said to myself, ‘I sure hope this little mini-blizzard isn’t here to stay,’ as I eased off the accelerator when the visibility suddenly went from miles to about a hundred feet in front of my car. With my concentration focused on watching the edge of the pavement as the snow covered the roadway, my mind cleared and I immediately heard the words of the song I was going to write for Canella and my little JM child. It surprised me at how powerful this feeling was, as well as how appropriate these lyrics were for me in my current situation and for James Michael, Micheline and, Michael Jr., my future wunderkinds.

I had the whole song written in my head as I drove along between twenty and fifty miles per hour as the weather transitioned from white-out conditions to clear as a bell driving several times over my seven mile journey to Bryanston. It was during the intense, white knuckle, white-outs periods that the lyrics crystalized in my mind.

The first thing I did when I entered the house was to run up to my room to grab a notebook and pen. I then ran downstairs to the smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen. I gave my mom a kiss and talked a little about our concert in St. Thomas and how she and my dad loved seeing us on the news last night.

“What’s the notebook for, Sweetie?” my mom asked as I stood along the kitchen counter with a large glass of orange juice, waiting for the toaster to pop up it’s handy-work.

“I’ve got a song in my head for Canella and our little boy. I need to write it down and get it to Eda and Lisa, so their aunt can embroider a baby blanket with those lyrics on it for her and JM. That will be her Christmas present.”

“Oh, she’ll love that, Mike,” my mom replied as she worked on the bacon in the frying pan.

“Eda came up with the idea for writing Canella a song, and Lisa said that their Aunt Gulia would be able to put those lyrics on a little boy’s baby blanket,” I replied as the toaster popped up four pieces of crispy bread for me to butter.

“Well, get them written down and then you should probably call and dictate the lyrics to Lisa, so Gulia can get it done, pronto. I’m sure Maria’s sister will be amazingly busy embroidering stuff with just a few days left ‘till Christmas.”

“That’s a good idea, Mom. I was just gonna give them the written lyrics but calling Lisa will give their aunt more time to get it done,” I replied as I buttered my toast.

With two bacon and tomato sandwiches and a large OJ, I sat at the kitchen table and got the lyrics to Canella’s song down on paper. The words just flowed from my mind as I softly sang them while putting them down on paper.

“Oh, Michael! Those are the most amazingly sweet and loving words you could ever tell your child. I’m just so, so sorry that you won’t be able to sing those words to him or Canella in person,” my mom said with tears in her eyes.

“I know, Mom,” I softly replied with sadness etched in my voice.

“Oh, you could sing that song to Canella during your concert?”

“I don’t know, Mom ... I just don’t know if I’d be able to get through it without breaking down and crying. Then, that would open up a whole new can of worms as to why a normally confident teenage boy broke down while singing a song on national TV.”

“Well, I think you should,” she confidently said as she lifted her cup of tea to her lips. Before she took a sip, my mom added, “I’m going to make sure Canella is at your concert, and I know she would truly treasure hearing you sing this song to her. Now, I know you can’t specifically dedicate it to her, but she’ll know it’s meant just for her after getting your Christmas present.”

“I’m glad you’ll have her there, Mom. Mr. Labatt has two reserved suites at the JLC for all the parents and guests. He said he can get a third one, if there’ll be more than twenty of you going to the concert,” I replied with a small smile.

“I think William already has that third suite set aside for us. There’s a ton of family and friends that want to see your show,” my mom replied after setting her cup on the table. She then added, “Remember, you’ve got Lisa’s, Lynette’s, Tempe’s, Zupena’s and Shannon’s parents and mom, as well as the Psotkins, Hobbs, Mr. Rathje and Dr. Kharlamov, who are going to be with us in those suites.”

“Has Mr. Labatt reserved a suite for Tom and Bertha, and the Shania Twain Band’s family and friends?” I asked.

“I would think he has, but you better check with him or Ms. Katie, ASAP,” my mom replied.

“Okay, I will. Oh, thanks for having the sandwiches ready for me. How did you know I’d be home at this time?”

“Spies,” was my mother’s simple reply. I just chuckled at that answer and finished off the remainder of my second bacon and tomato sandwich.

“When you’re done, you best call Lisa with those lyrics. Have her write them down carefully, and then get her to slowly read them back to you, to make sure she has them correct. You’d, we’d all hate to get it embroidered with a mistake ‘cause there won’t be enough time to redo it, I’m guessing.”

“Yeah. Good point, Mom.”

After I made sure that Lisa had the lyrics right over the phone, I asked, “Do I need to come by to get you and E after my basketball practice?”

“Nope. Anthony is gonna bring us, and he’s gonna stop by to get Tempe and T-Sully, too,” Lisa replied.

“Okay, good. I’ll see you guys between three and three-thirty, then. Oh, and make sure you thank your aunt for me. Let me know how much this is going cost as your aunt is now doing this as a business, ‘kay?”

“She’s not gonna want a dime from you, Mike,” Lisa chuckled.

“While I appreciate that, I’m going to pay her for the baby blanket and for her time as a major-league rush job. If she won’t give you a price, use your skills and find out what she would charge any other customer for the blanket and workmanship, kay?”

“I suppose,” Lisa non-convincingly laughed.

“If you don’t get a price, I guess I’ll just have to give her a hundred dollars to make sure she’s well compensated,” I sternly said to my laughing girlfriend.

“Alright, I’ll get her to give me a price, and it won’t be anywhere near a ‘C-note’, Mike.”

“It better be a fair price or it WILL be that brown spot, Bricky,” I chuckled.

“Okay, okay!” she laughed. After settling down some, she said, “Have fun at basketball, and I’ll see you around three-ish.”

“Later, Bricky. Love you!”

“Love you, too, Mike. Ciao.”

“Ciao.”

Medway’s Gymnasium

12:57pm, Saturday, December 22, 1979

“Little! You’re not gonna believe what they’re going to have at the Purple and White Tournament!” Big Mike shouted as I came into the gym from the hallway.

“Well, you obviously have me at a disadvantage,” I laughed as I chased down a missed shot near the side entrance.

“They’re holding a slam dunk contest, and each school can have two players participate in it!” Jon exclaimed after he fired up a twenty-foot jumper.

“Yeah! And we think you and Andrew should be our team’s two dunkers,” Big Mike said as I passed him that errant basketball.

“What about Gary and Dennis? They can throw down some major power,” I said as I moved in to claim the next missed jumper.

“We’re gonna need someone with creativity to compete with the boys from Windsor, Toronto and Sarnia,” Matt laughed as he waited alongside me for a missed shot.

“Yeah, I’m guessing Toronto Eastern Commerce will have some big time dunkers going for them, so we’ll need guys who can do something with a ‘whoa factor,’” Smythy added as he tossed a ball back to Andy, who had drained a baseline jumper.

“I’m not sure I can do any ‘whoa factor’ dunks,” Andrew replied with a negative head shake as he chased down a missed shot.

“You’ve thrown down a three-sixty before in practice and I’ve seen you do a through your legs and cuff dunk, which were pretty sweet,” Wayne countered Andrew’s statement.

“Well, let’s see what Gary, Dennis, Andrew, and maybe even Desi can do, and then decide who should be our two dunkers,” I said as I corralled a basketball and set about doing my ‘fast-action’ dribbling warmup routine to get reacquainted with the basketball.

“Oh, I don’t think I’m in your league as a dunker,” Desi called out from the other end of the court.

“Well, we’ll see to our dunk participants at the end of practice,” Coach Williamson called out after giving us one of his shrill two-fingered whistles.

Coach put us through a pretty wickedly paced hour and a half practice. A few of us man-to-man guys were hurting at the end as this was just our second practice this week with it being our fall exam week. We were also going to practice on the twenty-fourth, and on Boxing Day to get ready for our game against Sarnia Northern in the Purple and White.

At the end of our practice, Andrew indeed showed he was the second best dunker on the team. He threw down a couple of knurly dunks, with one of them being a fake front-side, reverse two-handed backside jam. I was picked as our team’s second (or first) dunker as I did a sweet four-fifty spinning dunk going past the rim and throwing it down on the backside of the basket. I also did a pretty ‘Statute of Liberty’ dunk where I took off from the free-throw line.

After Andrew and I were picked as our team’s participants, Coach Williamson announced, “The slam dunk champion will earn his school’s athletic department a five-hundred dollar donation, and the runner up’s school will receive a two-fifty donation from Country-Style Donuts. Sooo, there’s no pressure Mike and Andrew.” Coach chuckled on that last sentence as our teammates echoed that, ‘No pressure’ phrase as they playfully pummeled Andrew and me.

In the varsity locker room, Jon and Andy were joking about us winning the five-hundred dollar prize for our athletic department. As we were drying off from the shower, Wayne came up with an awesome idea for a dunk. If I could pull it off, it would definitely be a top contender for the one of those cash prizes.

“We’ll have to practice that a ton, Wayno. Getting our timing right will be key ... plus we’ll have to figure out the best height for that awesome prop,” I said with a chuckle, as I tossed my wet towel down on my gym bag.

“Yeah, we can get to the next couple of practices early to get all that stuff worked out,” Wayne replied with a smile.

“If you can pull that dunk off, Cuda, I can’t see anyone doing something better,” Jon laughed as he pulled on his jeans.

When Wayne announced the upcoming slam-dunk contest at the Labatt’s guest house, and told the girls what the two of us planned to do, that suddenly became the topic of discussion for the duration of our snack time. Both Wayne and I loved Lynette’s suggestion to alter the angle of my approaching run-up to the basket. We thought her idea would give me more ‘wiggle room’ to complete the second part of this crazy untried dunk.

Because we were so into that basketball conversation, I didn’t notice that neither Shannon nor Zupena were at the guest house. I thought Shannon had earlier said that she would run up to Ilderton to get Zupena, when we were having breakfast.

Just then, my newly arriving cheerleader girlfriend got everyone’s attention as she shrieked, “Come look! Come look!” from the front door of the guest house. All of us scurried to see what her obvious excitement was all about.

“Is my Christmas present from my mom and dad!” Zupena squealed as she danced around her two-toned, aqua bodied and tanned topped, 1974 Chevy Impala. She was on cloud nine in her purple and black ski-jacket. Zupena’s new-used car was one sharp looking monster. It had a 350 V-8 Turbo engine under a large front hood. I loved the aqua rear-wheel well cover panels that gave this beast a super sleek look.

“Zupi! This is a beyond cool ride!” Lisa shouted as she ran over to give the tall bouncing beauty a hug and kiss.

“I just about peed in my pants when I got to her house. Zupena nearly crushed me as she babbled in an English, Latvian mix about her new car,” Shannon excitedly added as we all moved over to Zupena’s new car.

“This car will really fly! I was careful not to go fast on way over here,” Zupena gushed as she stood by the open driver’s side door.

“Ohhh! Bench seats! You know what that means, don’t you, Zupi?” Lynette laughed as she squeezed her teammate in a bear-hug as they peered inside the car.

“No ... not really?” Zupena confusingly replied.

“This is a great make-out car, Zupi! No center console to get in the way!” Sammy laughed as she got in the car from the passenger side.

“Oh! Divas! I no think of that! Oh! Mikhail! We so going to use my car on date nights, now!” Zupena cried as she leaned on my back as I peered inside the driver’s door.

“Hey! I’m all for using your gas instead of mine, Zupena,” I chuckled and squirmed around in her arms to plant a kiss on my tallest girlfriend.

“Do you think we can take this baby up to Uncle Eddie’s farm, tomorrow, Zupi, Mike?” Lisa asked as she sat in the back seat.

“Oh, I would love to go to farm! We can see Canella, too, yes?” Zupena exclaimed as she looked over the car at Eda, Wayne and Sammy.

“I doubt I’ll be able to go, guys,” Sammy dejectedly said. With a frown, she added, “We’re going to my grandma’s place after church for an early Christmas dinner.”

“I’ll have to check with my mom to see if I can go. I bet it will be okay, but still,” Shannon said as she sat beside Lisa in the back of the Impala.

“If the weather cooperates for us, we’ll probably leave around noon ... after church,” I said as I looked at Eda, Lisa and Zupena.

“I’ll see about coming to your church, ‘kay?” Lynette said with a smile.

We suffered through about five more minutes of cold, looking at Zupena’s new car, when Gary pulled up in his F-150. Sammy bounded over to his freshly washed, black four-by-four and gave her boyfriend some major league sugar. “I missed you, last night, Gary,” Sammy said after dropping back onto the paved driveway.

“I hated that I missed your concert, but I had to look after the piggies while my parents went a great-aunt’s funeral in Milton,” Gary replied as the two of them walked over to Zupena’s car.

“Yeah, critters don’t take days off where you can just let them do their own thing,” I laughed as I knew exactly what Gary was hinting at with his reply.

“Is that your new car, Zupena? Nice ride!” Gary said as he peered in the passenger door with Zupena now sitting behind the steering wheel.

“Yes! Is early Christmas present from my parents. Poppa said there no sense in waiting for big day to give me keys to car,” Zupena excitedly replied with an explanation for her early present.

“Did you hear that, Daddy?” Sammy laughed as her dad and step-mom had come out of the mansion when they saw or more-than-likely heard Gary’s truck pull into their drive.

“I did and you’ll still have to wait ‘till Christmas morning to get your presents,” Mr. Labatt calmly replied to his daughter’s playful question.

“Speaking of Christmas, can we get out of the cold, and talk about what we’re gonna do group wise about exchanging gifts?” Lynette asked as she wrapped her arms around her torso and gave an exaggerated shiver.

Back inside the guest house, Shannon and Sammy were chatting in the loveseat as Gary, Wayne, Brad and I were getting drinks from the fridge for our girls. With a serving tray full of various drinks in my hand, I said, “I think I have the orders right but don’t sue me if I messed up.”

“You have money, now, so suing you might be a good thing,” Tempe laughed as she snagged a Sprite from the tray.

“Ha! Lawyer fees will eat up your vast fortune in a hurry, if you sue Mike,” Ms. Katie laughed as she took the two bottles of Blue off the tray.

“He did good. I can drink this Coke,” Zupena said as she grabbed one of the two remaining Cokes, leaving the other for me.

“Yeah, Zupi. I grabbed a diet instead of the real thing. Sorry,” Shannon said from the loveseat.

“Is okay. I like both types of Coke,” Zupena replied with a smile as she waited for me to sit back in the recliner before parking her long, lean body in my lap.

“I know it was just Sammy and me talking, but I would love to have you guys over for a combo pool and Christmas party on Monday. I know you guys all have practices in the morning, right? But if we were to get together at say five-o’clock, would that work?” Shannon said after things settled down somewhat.

“I’m sure it will be okay with our parents, Shan. We’ve actually talked with Momma about doing something as a group on Monday, and she seemed fine with it,” Lisa said as she got a non-verbal confirmation from her sister.

“I’ll let you know later tonight or tomorrow at Mike and girls’ church, but I can’t imagine my folks saying no,” Lynette quickly added with a smile.

The rest of our friends, Brad and Elizabeth included, said they’d let Shannon or Sammy know about that idea sometime later in the day or on Sunday. As things were buzzing about this possible gathering, I saw Sammy mouth, ‘Did you get it for us?‘ to Ms. Katie. With a simple nod and smile, Katie let Sammy know that whatever it was, her step-mom had indeed gotten it for her.

“We better call over to Ian and Kalena’s to find out if those guys can come,” Lynette added as she stood up to put her empty Coke can on the kitchen island.

“I’ll do that, Cano,” Sammy said with a smile as she too pushed up from Gary’s lap to take their empties over to the kitchen. She then out of the blue added, “I’ve, no Gary and me, we’ve got a new humorous song, which I think Cuda would do a good job singing.”

“When did this... humorous song come to you, Sammy?” Lisa replied as nearly everyone decided to get up and either stretch their legs or put their empties over at the kitchen island.

“Well, after watching a maddening 60 Minutes segment on Canada-US relations about two weeks ago, Gary and I were fooling with some crazy CAN-AM comparisons. Well ... after coming up with a dozen or so silly ‘we do this’ and ‘they do that’ type actions, Gary really tied things together with a pretty cool chorus catch phrase,” Sammy said as she used a hand gesture to get Gary to come over for a loving hug.

“I may have come up with the catch phrase, and title; but it was mostly Sammy’s doing, putting it all together,” Gary quickly countered.

“Ahhh, who cares who came up with what? Just give us the dang stupid lyrics and we’ll see if it’s worth putting to music,” I laughed as I gave Gary’s shoulder a lightweight, straight right jab.

“I tucked the lyrics in our music notebook, this morning,” Sammy said as Lynette walked around the kitchen island. Without missing a beat, Cano snagged the notebook off the fridge and pulled the loose-leaf page from the semi-tattered notebook.

Lisa and E quickly hustled over to the kitchen island and stood on either side of Lynette. All three girls had silly grins on their faces as they read the hand-written lyrics. When a smile spread across Cano’s face, I knew she was pretty impressed with what Gary and Sammy had come up with.

“Our beer is stronger! You gotta be kidding, right?” Eda laughed as she pointed to Gary and Sammy.

“This is hilarious! ... Hilarious but awesome!” Lisa added with a monster grin on her face.

“If Sammy wants me to sing it, don’t I need to look at it?” I chuckled as Lynette playfully teased me by moving the sheet of lyrics in my direction and then pulling it out of my reach.

As all this was happening, Sammy went over to the closet and pulled out her six-string and my twelve-string acoustic guitars. With her guitar around her neck, she carried my guitar back to the island as I got my first look at their lyrics.

“This is pretty good, Gar, Sammy,” I softly said with a grin on my face. “Most of these are so true ... it’s downright scary.”

“I love the first line ... Smarties versus M&Ms!” E laughed as Sammy held my guitar on the island with its neck resting on Gary’s shoulder.

“You sing lyrics, Mikhail, so we can hear funny song,” Zupena said from the far end of the kitchen island.

“Here, Gary. Hold Cuda’s guitar and I’ll play the basics to give Cuda a feel for how I think it should sound,” Sammy said as her boyfriend took control of my acoustic guitar.

After Sammy picked out a short introduction, she nodded to me and I softly sang:

Chorus:

“We say, “Eh!” You say, “Y’all!”

Ya, we both got pro football...

‘cept we got bigger balls, and a longer field [and one less down]” [Gary quickly laughed this last phrase].

Chorus

“So here’s to you, my southern neighbor.

All kiddin’ aside ... it takes me six beers to get pissed drunk!

And for you it takes nineeeeeee!... Sucker!

Chorus

“Yeah, we got stronger beer!

Whoa! We got stronger beer!

Yeah, we do, baby.”

(Note: Stronger Beer was written and sung by Tom Hicks, and is from his 2013 album, Throw Down. It wasn’t released as a single, but it is a super funny and mostly accurate comparison of Canadian-American cultures. Check out the U-Tube video. The (parenthesis) names and phrases, Cummings, Spock Kirk & smirk, are ones I changed to fit the time line of my story.)

“That is beyond funny, Gary, Sammy,” Brad said as he held Elizabeth to his chest.

“I love it, guys!” Cano laughed.

“You need to play your banjo on it, Sammy,” Lisa fired off as she imitated plucking that true country instrument.

“Yeah, this should be just an acoustic, banjo and bass type song,” Eda quickly added with her own air-guitar motions.

“I bet Tox’s fiddlin’ will sound good with it, too,” Elizabeth smartly said.

Mr. and Katie Labatt were conspicuously quiet over at the small dining room table through all this. When Shannon and I saw Sammy’s dad take a drink of his Blue, my cheerleader girlfriend softly elbowed me and then asked, “So ... what does the beer magnate have to say about his daughter’s humorous song?”

After he downed the remainder of his ‘stronger beer’, Mr. Labatt zeroed in on his daughter and calmly asked, “And just how do you know you’d get pissed drunk on six beers, young lady?”

“That was actually one of the lines I wrote, Mr. L,” Gary quickly interjected on behalf of his girlfriend. He then took a deep breath and added, “I’m almost nineteen, and well, I’ve had a few of your beers ... every now and then.”