I tried my best to stay calm and pleasant, fixing my best hundred dollar smile as I imagined all the ways that I could hurt Emily Schroeder, my sorority chapter president. My heels, for example, would make an absolutely lovely sound as I drove them through her open toed sadals. Ha! That spoiled Yankee princess would never know what hit her. But no, I was a Nice Girl, and some obnoxious strumpet wasn’t going to ruin my Easter weekend. I was going to show her what true Southern congeniality meant.

Even if it killed one of us.

“An egg hunt? How ... charming,” I said. Meaning: This is an idiotic and childish waste of my time, but I’m far too polite to ever say it.

Unfortunately, Emily was no dullard, much as I would like to think otherwise. That toothy little grin she gave promised unending retribution if I did anything to jeopardize her little social outing.

“Before you ask,” she said, crude and forthright as ever, “Yes, it is mandatory. We will be conducting the event along with Kappa Beta Pi and Delta Gamma-”

“Woof Woof!” yelled Hailey, and the other girls broke out into uncontrollable giggles. I might have tittered a bit too, but after a look at Emily’s glare I decided that a good chortle just wouldn’t be ladylike.

“There will be none of that!” Emily snapped. “The DGs have been kind enough to run this event for those of us remaining on campus this weekend. So if I hear the words ‘dog’, or ‘mutt’, or ‘ruff’-”

There was another round of giggles at that.

“-there will be trouble. They have been gracious enough to host this event, so I expect everyone to look their best and comport themselves correctly at all times. Is that understood?”

“Yeah, we’ll be real friendly,” Stephanie said, choking on a laugh halfway through, “We’ll even take them for a walk, afterwards.”

“I don’t know, Steph,” Hailey told her, between chuckles, “I’m pretty sure the Dogs are Man’s best friend. Don’t think you have the right parts to satisfy those freaks.”

It took Emily another couple minutes to cut through the uncontrollable laughter.

“Stop that! Stop it at once! Do I need to start handing out citations for conduct unbecoming of a sister? Believe me, I’m this close.”

The threats and glares managed to quiet the small crowd. Eventually. Give or take a few minutes.

At any rate, she managed to get us dressed and ready to go by the time her juvenile little outing was supposed to begin.

“Now don’t you look splendid as a peach!” I told Allison, by best friend, pointedly ignoring the fact that the faded yellow sundress just did not belong on a pale blonde like her. Lordy, but that girl just had no fashion sense.

Smart as a whip, though, even if she somehow didn’t understand basic color matching. Bless her little heart, but I’d never seen anyone so smart and driven. From the first day we’d moved in together freshman year, she’d been dead set on being a lawyer. Now, I’d never swell her head up by telling her, but I have to say that I was mighty impressed it, and by her. Even if she should pay just a little more attention to matching the skin tone on her foundation from time to time.

If only our other roomate had been half as sweet, instead of an obnoxious nosy troll. Though that did make it easier to get Allison out to the pledge events.

“Oh, do you like it?” she asked. “I bought it last week for the trip home, but mom and dad started fighting again, and, well...”

I stepped in and gave her a big hug, sighing to myself as I wondered if it would ever be safe to let her go shopping by herself.

“Of course!” I lied, “but let’s sneak upstairs real quick and accessorize. I’ve got just the thing to go with it.”

We hurried upstairs before little miss stick up her vag could notice us missing, and I did my best with the damage control. Not bad, if I do say so myself. A bit of fancy jewelry, makeup that actually matched, and hair in something besides a ponytail. It was almost enough to make her presentable.

So long as you ignored the dress.

The hydrangeas were in full bloom as we strolled through the campus gardens, brightening the already sunny day with their vivid color even as the backing roses lent their sweet scent. A bumblebee buzzed close enough to brush against my bare shoulder, and I brushed it away.

“Shoo,” I told it, “Git! Stop buzzing at me, I ain’t a flower.”

“Maybe it thinks you’re as pretty as one,” Allison teased.

“Now Allie, that is just the sweetest thing to say,” I told her as we made for the center, accompanied by a dozen and a half other sorority sisters.

The gardens had some long, formal name I didn’t know offhand. Donated by some rich old alumni in honor of his dead wife, I believe. Sappy, but sweet in a sentimental sort of way. Mostly, we just called them the Gardens, when we called them anything at all.

Which wasn’t too often, sad to say. Lovely as they were, they were so far to the edge of campus that it was one enormous pain getting out there, and even the nearest parking was a short hike away. It was sad to see something so beautiful become so lonely, but it meant we had the place to ourselves during this fine Sunday afternoon.

“Hey now! If it isn’t the lovebirds themselves.”

Woof woof indeed, if it wasn’t my favorite Dog herself.

“Hello Patsy,” I said with a sarcastically bright smile. “Now, I don’t mean to spoil your day, but it turns out there’s actually this thing called a friend. Not that you have much experience with those. Of course, I would never tell you how to ... comport yourself inside your own little sorority house. What you do with your own sisters is no business of mine.”

Dear Patsey was our ... less favorite roomate. A real dog indeed. Overgrown and a bit plump, the only reason any guy would ever look at her twice were those obscene udders on her chest. And joy of joys, the girl had absolutely no qualms about showing them off for all the world to see.

I expected her to leave in a huff, but apparently little tramp had grown some background. Instead, she just gave me a tight faced smile and ushered me into the stone plaza at the center.

The dogs - sorry, the DGs, Delta Gammas - were already here, taking up more than half of the benches ringing the lovely little fountain. Nodding to the Kappas, I took my place with the rest of my sorority sisters.

Everyone fell quiet as the head dog stepped to the center. Leastwise, I assumed she was the head, seeing as how she looked like a cheaper version of little miss Emily. Somehow, the trashy imitation was worse than the real thing.

“Ok everyone. I know you’re all eager to get started so I won’t keep you waiting. Here’s the plan: We’ve hidden Easter Eggs all throughout the gardens, and your job is to collect as many as you can within the next half hour. The lady with the most eggs at the end gets a special surprise.”

“Like what?” one of the Kappas asked.

“I know you’re not an English major,” the head dog said condescendingly, “but surely a college girl like yourself would know what the word surprise meant.”

The girl sulked as all of the dogs, half of us, and even a few Kappas turned to laugh.

“Are there any more questions?”

There were none.

“Then begin!”

I rolled my eyes and clutched the silly little wicker basket we’d been forced to carry. Not that I intended to waste my time gathering eggs.

“Come on,” I grabbed Allison by the arm. “Let’s go see the roses.”

If I had to waste my time coming out here, then at the very least I could use it to enjoy myself with a nice walk through the flowers. After all, it was hardly the Garden’s fault that we had to play this childish game. Besides, it truly was a lovely day out.

“Hey look!” Allison exclaimed as we strolled past a yellow rosebush, “I see an egg.”

“Oh honestly,” I said as she squatted down and reached for it. “Be careful, you’re going to cut yourself.”

“Ha!” she said as she pulled it free.

“Congratulations,” I told her flatly, “You have a plastic egg, hallelujah indeed.”

I rolled my eyes, but there was no denying that she was proud of herself, and I felt a bit bad for making light of her efforts. The egg was hollow, but something rattled inside when she gave it a shake.

A piece of paper fell out, but when she went to read it her face went all strange. Like little miss perfect had just been given a test in some foreign alphabet she’d never seen it before.

“What does it say?” I asked, reaching for the paper. Her hand pulled away.

“I’m not sure if I should,” she said, biting her lip.

“Allison! You let me see that right this instant,” I told her in my most matter of fact voice.

“Oh, fine,” she said, handing it over.

One free blowjob. Good for as long as you want to suck, the paper said.

“Oh my!” I said, more than a bit shocked. “Now that is just plain obscene. That’s it! I don’t know who thought that was funny, but I am done with this disgusting little spectacle.”

“Oh come on,” Allison said, tugging me back before I could storm off to give Elle Presidente a piece of my mind.

“It’s just a goofy little game. I’m sure someone was just trying to be funny. Besides, maybe it was just the one. You don’t want to ruin the game just because someone made a single bad joke, do you?”

“I suppose...” I said, against my better judgment.

“That’s the spirit,” she said, and seeing her smile I found myself more than a bit chagrined. Who was I to get in the way, if she was having a good time? Couldn’t I just play along for one lousy half hour, for my friend’s sake?

“Look,” she said, tugging at my hand. “There’s another egg. Why don’t you take this one?”

I rolled my eyes, but did as she said. It was lying halfway under a bench, decorated in pink and yellow stripes.

“So what does it say?”

“Now hold your horses for just a moment, I haven’t had a chance to read yet.”

With a twist, I cracked open the cheap plastic egg and took a look:

All the cream you can lick, straight from an overstuffed pussy

“Just the one egg, huh?”

“Fine, fine. You’re right, it is a stupid joke. But can’t we just go find some eggs, I mean, we don’t have to open them or anything.”

“I don’t know...” I said, not wanting anything to do with this filthy mockery of a game. But then she turned her innocent puppy eyes on me, and I couldn’t bear to disappoint her. Besides, there were already some Kappas wandering around with three or four eggs in their basket. The only thing worse than being stuck playing this filthy game was losing it, and that was something I refused to do.