2 Birth: Hope

When a child is born, it instills in its parents and other caregivers a sense of optimism; a sense that this new life may bring something new and special into the world.

Rhonda is a wonderful woman. She is caring, nurturing, supportive, and even mildly attractive. Then why can’t I develop feelings for her? Is she too comfortable with me? Do I expect too much? I know the spark is impossible to force, but that isn’t what love is. That spark is what love builds from initially. Love is like a rare flower surrounded by the weeds of distraction. It takes commitment and hard work to keep that love alive and growing. I know this; I was married over fifty years. So how do you get love started without that initial spark? I need the seed to start that flower. That might be my problem.

Now love of a family member, a brother or sister, or even a mother or father ... they aren’t the same. Sure you love them, and those relationships require a little maintenance, but it isn’t even in the same ballpark. You grow up depending on your family, because of them you survived up to this point. There is a certain innate trust or understanding you share that bonds you together for life. Like it or not.

With your spouse, the expectations are quite higher. You not only expect them to help you when you are down, you expect them to push you forward. You are not just surviving; you are enjoying or suffering together. You are one unit, a team dedicated to each other’s success. When two people devote their lives to making the other happy, a certain symbiosis occurs. If that relationship is maintained and nurtured long enough, eventually those two people start to disappear and they become one in two bodies. It is a well-known fact that when one person of a close relationship passes on, the other is likely to follow very soon. I know this from experience. Through no fault of my own, my health began deteriorating the day my wife died. With drugs and the constant hassle of my family, it took five years for my body to finally fail. I was happy that day.

I have been given a second chance. I don’t know how or why, that doesn’t really matter, it is done. A part of that chance is I am dropped into a ready-made family. I have a wife that loves and adores me. A daughter that thinks I am the greatest man in the world. These two people are complete strangers to me. Do I leave them and move on, or stay and try and make it work? The chance of finding love again is rare. The devastating effect this would have on their lives would be tremendous. It would be like a death of a family member, without the body to mourn over, it just sits there in the back of your mind eating at you. I cannot do that to them. My amnesia is not their fault, or mine for that matter. They don’t deserve to suffer any more than I do, so where do I draw the line?

This chair is really uncomfortable. I can’t imagine why the previous me would ever sit out here for very long, my ass really hurts.

I got up and went into the house to find Rhonda. I found her reading her holo, she looked engrossed in it. “Rhonda, I need a furniture store where I can sit on the furniture and see if I like it before I buy it.”

“You couldn’t find one on the holo?”

“No, I didn’t look. I don’t like using the holo. I refuse to subject myself to all those ads and tricky links trying to steal my money!” I pouted.

Rhonda finally looked up from the holo and at me. She laughed. “If you don’t use it you will never learn.”

“Do you know where a furniture store is or not?”

“Yes, I know where a store is, do you want me to go with you?”

“No ... yes, you should come; we need to spend more time together.” She smiled.

I dumped my mistress. Fuck that bitch; she has hurt me for the last time! I will torture that bitch and take her apart a piece at a time, then put her in the trash where she belongs!

I laughed. Rhonda gave me a look wondering what I was laughing at.

I replaced my mistress with a love seat that was big enough for 2.5 people. It is on a swing, and very comfortable to sit in. It has footrests, and even reclines. It is the Cadillac of mistresses. It even has a cup holder! No, she is not a mistress any longer, she is now my harem. Yes, I upgraded, and she is younger too. It should be delivered tomorrow.

I am still in quite the funk. I snapped at the salesman twice before he got the message. He was lucky, because my next thoughts were how difficult it was going to be to wash his blood out of my clothes. I couldn’t help it; everything just kind of irritated me. I should probably mention it to my shrink.

My intuition was in overdrive as well. Before the salesman even got to us, I just knew he was checking out Rhonda’s ass. He was imagining her bent over a dresser they keep the training folders in, back in the stock room. I was immediately on edge. Maybe I AM crazy.

The important business out of the way, I had an idea. I asked Rhonda and she agreed. We headed to a park for a stroll.

“So, tell me how we first met. Or were you just following me around begging for sex and I finally caved?” We were at a park by our lake; we were on a 5k nature path.

She laughed and hugged my arm harder as we walked. “Well, let me think ... You were a junior, I was a new freshman. I was sitting under a tree filling out my schedule, when you just sat down next to me and started reading my schedule. You told me not to take the economics class I had marked because the professor was a douche. Then you got up and left, you didn’t even tell me your name.”

“I guess you were quite enamored with me. Was it love at first sight?”

She laughed again. “No, I thought you were a jerk, trying to bully a freshman around.”

“Really, so what happened?”

“I remember it was cold out. My roommate and I were coming back from the student hall after dinner, so it was dark out. Three guys approached us and started pestering us for dates. We had heard about their fraternity, and it wasn’t good, so we turned them down. They weren’t taking no for an answer and started getting grabby with my roommate. That is when you showed up. You called them each by name and told them to leave us alone. Surprisingly they listened.” She paused.

“So that’s when you fell in love with me?”

She just shook her head. “You were still a jerk; you just had more morals than those three. Perhaps you were marking your territory like a dog. Plus, you were in the same fraternity. Your outlook wasn’t looking good to me.” She laughed.

“This is getting worse and worse. Did I knock you up and we were forced into marriage by your father at the end of a shotgun?”

“No. No, my father loves you. I think he would have your babies if he could.” She hip-checked me.

“So, tell me when you fell madly in love with me.”

“I didn’t. It was a gradual thing. My sophomore year, after all the homecoming parties I heard yelling in the hallway outside my room. You were out there with my passed-out neighbor in your arms yelling at her roommate. The girl you were carrying had ripped clothes, and her face was all red on one side. Her roommate was accusing you of rape and threatening to call the police. You were screaming back at her that you already called the police and to get out of your way so you could lay her down. That was when I decided you might not be a jerk.” She stopped talking, and was looking out on the lake as we walked.

“And?” I nudged her.

When she looked back, I could see her starting to tear up. “Well, Karen said, Karen was the girl you saved, Karen said you beat up the four guys that did that to her.” She sobbed. I stopped and pulled her into a hug. “They were so mean to her for no reason.” I just hugged her tighter as she cried. “Only one of them raped her, the rest just kept calling her names and hitting her.”

I got angry when I imagined it, and really angry when I imagined it happening to Jacky. “Did I hurt them at least?”

I think she sensed my feelings, because she stopped crying and started looking at me intently. “You put three in the hospital, and one of them will never walk normally again. It was your testimony in court that really persuaded the jury to send them to prison.” That made me feel better.

“You know, Karen has been in love with you ever since. She was just too shy or ashamed to approach you then. She is your biggest cheerleader. Whenever I complain about you, she is always making excuses for you.” She smiled

“Karen ... Kent’s Karen?” She nodded. “Was Kent in my fraternity too?”

“Yes, he was the president or whatever.”

“Were the four guys in my fraternity too?”

“Yes.” She gave me a squeeze.

“OK, that connects a few dots” I mulled that over. “Is that when we started seeing each other?”

“No, I just thought you maybe weren’t a jerk. Even after the trial, I only liked you slightly more. You still had the stigma of that fraternity. Karen did nothing but sing your praises, so that might have helped you some.” We started walking again. “What really got my attention was when the rumor started that your fraternity was kicking people out by the dozen. The rumor was that anyone that didn’t show respect to women got the boot.”

“That was good of Kent. Thanks, I respect him more now.”

“I’m not done.” She smiled, “Anytime Karen and I were out I started noticing guys hanging around. I got nervous, thinking about reprisals due to the trial and the rumors. A week or so later you and Kent were the ones hanging around after her class. I knew you a little, so after Karen went inside, I caught up with you as you were leaving and asked what was going on. You wouldn’t tell me at first, but I threatened to go to security and complain about stalkers. That’s when you said you would only tell me if I went to dinner with you.”

I laughed. “I am a sneaky bastard, huh?”

She smiled back, “Yes you are. At the dinner, you told me it was one of the jobs of the fraternity to make sure Karen wasn’t bothered again, that everybody rotated the duties. That was when I first started falling for you.” She nudged me as we were walking.

“Did I feed you during dinner?” I nudged her back.

“No, you didn’t feed me,” she smiled. “But I did steal some of your food. You acted like you didn’t notice, but I saw you push your plate forward so I didn’t have to reach as far.”

I had nice time learning about me. I learned a lot about her, too. I think she had a nice time as well. I decided to do this more often. It shouldn’t be just about my quest for knowledge; it is nice just being alone together for a change.

The next day when my harem arrived, I made a point to invite her with me for a spell. She seemed to enjoy the closeness, but she couldn’t sit still for long, she quickly had something to do and left. I am not sure how she felt about the new name, she took it in stride. Perhaps she was indifferent.

It was Saturday, three days later, when my PI stopped by. He had dug up some more data for me. I didn’t even look at it. I thanked him for his help and closed up my bill. I had started a file that I kept at my office; I just added the new stuff and forgot about it.

I wanted to spend some time with Jacky, too. When I finally tracked her down, she was dressed and had a bag packed ready to leave.

“Where are you going?” I noticed a beach towel as the topmost thing in the bag.

She gave me the eye. “Why?”

“If you are embarrassed about it, you don’t have to tell me.” I can play games too. “I just wanted to hang out; I was hoping you had some cute girlfriends I could scope out,” I said with a straight face.

“What! You are NOT hanging out with my girlfriends! MOOOM!” She went to find her mother, I just laughed.

“ ... said to me? HE wants to hang out with MY friends so he can scope them out...” I just winked at Rhonda and nodded.

“Are your friends cute?” Rhonda asked.

“WHAT?!”

“I said, are your friends cute, are they sexy, Jacky?” Jacky was turning red.

I butt in, “If you don’t want me hanging out with you and your friends because you are embarrassed to be seen with your dad, I understand. I won’t force you; I just miss you and wanted to spend time with you.” I gave her my best adorable look.

Rhonda smiled and squinted her eyes at me like she couldn’t figure out my plan.

“But I already have plans; I can’t break them last minute,” Jacky whined.

“I wouldn’t ask you to, that would be rude. I did feel like going swimming today, it is hot enough. What are you and your friends doing?”

She gave me a scowl, like she figured out my game. “We are going to the beach...”

“Oh? Well, I guess I might see you there. If you get bored with your friends, maybe we could sit and talk a while.” I turned to Rhonda, “Do you want to go with me?”

“MoOOom!”

“No, I have things to do. You go and have a nice time!” Rhonda was smiling when she left.

“Mom! Where are you going? Mom! He is going to go to the beach and check out my friends!” Jacky was following her.

“I know! I can’t wait until he gets home all HOT and BOTHERED!” Rhonda was embellishing a little too much, I thought, but it was still funny.

“Mom!”

The lake we lived on was rather large as lakes go. It had a beach on the southern end where it emptied into a creek, which eventually led to the Illinois River. It is a nice area. There are covered areas with tables for picnics. There is a playground off to the side that is fenced. There are public showers and restrooms by the parking lot and another building with lockers. I could see light poles here and there; I imagine it is well lit at night. The water had buoys to mark the outer swimming areas. I could also see a floating deck out there with a diving board. I have no idea where all the sand came from, but there is enough area to probably hold a thousand people comfortably.

One thing you should probably know is that this is a lake. What I mean is, there are no currents bringing warm water from other places. The only warmth for a lake is generated by the sun, and in early summer, the lake is cold. There were only a few brave souls able to stand the temperature. I was one of them and had a great time.

I was swimming a little over an hour when I saw Jacky and her friends sitting on the beach. I was having fun diving down and looking at the bottom and all the plants. I noticed that this body could hold his breath for a long time. So I did another dive, to the left this time, and was busy watching the underwater life in the general direction of Jacky and her friends. When I popped up, I was about chest deep, so I swam a little more and walked in directly towards Jacky. They were all laid out trying to tan and attract men, not sure which had priority, but I didn’t mind admiring the view. Once I got closer, I could see Jacky staring at me with big eyes, another one was rapidly chatting and jumped and ran to me to cut me off.

“Oh my god, you are gorgeous, I am Ronnie and these are my friends, you are going to be my husband someday, do you want children, I want lots of children, do you have any history of genetic illness in your family, everyone in my family is smart and attractive so I would be a good match for you, do you—”

“Ronnie! That is my DAD!” All the girls starting laughing at that outburst, not sure which. Ronnie looked seriously put out, so I hugged her and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Dad! Stop feeling up Ronnie!” More laughter ensued.

“Ronnie, you are very attractive and everything you said sounds great. As tempting as it is, I am not going to leave Jacky’s mother and run off with you.” I gave another squeeze and smiled as I pushed her away to a respectable distance. She was blushing pretty hard. To change the subject and save the poor girl, I addressed the rest of them.

“You ladies are looking good today! I am headed over to get a drink, any of you want anything?” They all perked up at that, and I got my order of diet this and diet that, wait, two of diet that ... and I headed off.

“Your dad is hot!” and a bunch of giggling was all I heard before I got too far away.

When I got back, there was a guy sitting on the sand talking to Jacky. I handed out the drinks. “You ladies know that too much sun can be a bad thing, right? You should probably turn over and do the other side.”

“Don’t listen to him; he just wants to check out my friend’s asses.” Jacky gave me a scowl. With that said all the girls but Jacky turned over and were smiling. “Uh! You are such sluts!”

“Now, Jacky, that isn’t nice. Your friends look good though, I have to admit.” I gave her a wink and turned and walked to the water.

“Bye, Mr. Sanders!” I just waved and kept walking. I had to get away; I could feel I was starting to get hard. Swimming in cold water should do the trick.

I swam for another hour or so. When I left, Jacky and her friends were still there, I could see a couple burns starting. I went home.

It was the next day when I finally cornered Jacky. On the way home from the beach I picked up two bottles of aloe lotion, she would probably need both of them. After breakfast, I sent her to the bathroom to put it on everywhere she could reach. I put a towel on the couch and directed her there so I could do her back.

“I know you are in pain, but do you think it would be OK to talk while I have you trapped on the couch?” I was applying the lotion as lightly and liberally as I could.

She just moaned, or it might have been a groan the way her face is buried in the cushion. I took that as a yes.

“Tell me one of your best memories, or a favorite time we had together.” She just laid there for a few minutes while she thought. Finally she turned her head towards me.

“Anything I want?” I failed to notice the evil glint in her eye, I was busy.

“Of course.”

“Well ... you were in the hospital for over a mo— OW!” I slapped her butt.

“Be serious please, remember I have amnesia, I need to hear these things.”

“Fine!” She just laid there for a few minutes. I finished her back, and sat on the floor leaning against the couch.

Finally she spoke. “I think my favorite memory is when you took me to a baseball game. I don’t know why you took me; I still don’t like baseball ... We had seats on the side; I could look down and see the pitchers. It was a bit cold and I sat on your lap the whole time. You would tell me what was happening, and point at different stuff. We had a big bag of sunflower seeds, and you taught me how to spit them out really far.”

I just silently listened.

“When Sherrie was with us, she was like my big sister. I really enjoyed it when you taught us aikido.” She took a deep breath. “I was so jealous of her, but now I know better. I wish we still did that.”

“You know I went to aikido class with Sherrie a couple weeks ago, I have forgotten it all. I am in the beginner classes now, I hope to relearn it.”

“That is sad, you were a grand master or something.” She sighed.

Rhonda came into the room and sat next to me. “He was a shichidan, seventh rank black belt. There is only one more rank and Sherrie said he refused to test for it.”

“How come?” Jacky asked.

“Sherrie didn’t know, I guess we will never know unless you get your memory back,” she said looking at me.

I tipped my head back and hit Jacky in the hip. “Any more memories you can share Jacky?”

“I don’t know ... We used to go camping, that was fun.”

“What did we do while camping that made it fun?”

“I don’t know, it just was.” She sighed.

“If I bite your leg, will it be fun?”

“Maybe...”

I reached up behind me and smacked her butt.

“OW! ... You never used to hit me so much. OW!”

“I only hit you because you deserve it.” I stuck my tongue out at her, she giggled.

“I wish he had hit you more, you were such a bad child,” Rhonda said

“I WAS NOT!”

I could feel Rhonda shaking next to me trying not to laugh.

I piped up. “If our first meeting was anything to go on, I have to agree with your mother.”

“That’s not fair!” I think she hit me in the back of the head. So I poked her shoulder. “OW!”

“I am sorry you are in pain, but you shouldn’t pick on me when you are covered in sunburn.” I poked her again.

“I AM NOT PICKING ON YOU! YOU ARE PICKING ON ME!”

Rhonda and I just burst out laughing.

“I am sorry, do you want a hug?” I was looking at her over my shoulder.

“No! Get AWAY from me, you are so mean.” She was smiling.

“I promise not to tickle you much, with the sunburn and all.”

“DON’T YOU DARE!” She jumped off the couch and ran out of the room.

“HEY! Come get your lotion.” She walked back in and grabbed the lotion out of my hand and walked back out.

“We have a beautiful daughter, it is a shame she isn’t too bright.” I elbowed Rhonda and nodded to the door.

“I HEARD THAT!”

We just laughed.

I felt ... better about our relationships. I know this is only the first page of the book, but I finally felt like I was reading the right book. I couldn’t say I loved them, but I know the seed is planted. It will only take time from here on out to see it through.

I still have a problem though, and it is a problem that had me feeling anxious since we first met. What a couple does the first few years is feel each other out, to test the boundaries so to speak. They argue about little things, they disagree, they have fights, and I don’t remember any of that. I have no idea what joke is crossing the proverbial line, or what comment. I have been winging it since we first met, and while that worked great ... I can’t rely on it. I need the negative as well as the positive.

Have we ever talked about divorce? Has she ever considered leaving me, what did I do? What was the biggest fight we ever had? Was there a time when Jacky truly hated me for something I did? OK, that isn’t such a big deal probably, she is a kid, they yo-yo emotions worse than the weather. You get my drift though. You can’t be confident about the positive, until you know the limits of the negative.

I got an idea. I called Kent. “Hey, Kent.”

“Yo.”

“I need your wife.”

“When and how long?”

I just laughed.

“Oh, and will I get her back?”

I laughed harder. “Fuck you Kent! I am not screwing around!” Now he was laughing, my life – everyone laughs at me. “How about a family dinner or something, we can trade wives.”

“Sounds good to me, I ain’t taking Jacky though!”

“Fine! You are such a shitty friend!” I hung up on him ... See testing boundaries. Kent claims I am his best friend, which is great, Daniel was a lucky guy. But I had no idea where those limits were. Sometimes it felt like I was skating on a frozen pond at the beginning of spring, you just don’t know when you say or do something too much.

About an hour later, Rhonda visited me at my harem. She had a look of concern. “I thought you said we shouldn’t be swing or whatever. Karen called all excited about swapping husbands... ?”

“You think we shouldn’t? You have a problem with it?” This could be interesting.

She looked distressed. “I will do it if you think we should, but I have one problem: Karen. She is already in love with you, I am afraid it would break her heart if she thought you were just wanting to try something different.” That is the most politically correct way of saying ‘getting some strange’ I have ever heard. I almost laughed.

“Rhonda, sit down.” She sat next to me; I put an arm around her and pulled her tight. She was tense.

“Rhonda, I am not going to be having sex with Karen.” I let that percolate for a minute. “I am not sure what Kent told Karen, but I only meant I need her mind, not her body. Maybe Kent is picking on her, or maybe Karen is picking on you, I am not sure.” She visibly relaxed. “I need to ask you a question, too.”

“Anything, I love you.”

I pointed to her and said “That.”

“What? Me?”

I just nodded. “You said ‘anything’ ... What does that mean?”

“I don’t understand ... anything is anything.”

“Let me put it a different way. When you came out here it was in your head that you were going to have sex with Kent, and I was going to do Karen. You very clearly didn’t want to. Why were you going to allow that to happen?” I looked at her.

She was chewing her lip, and her hands were fists. “Because I thought you wanted me to.”

“I ‘m sorry, but that answer was too vague, I need more. Why would you do something you didn’t want to do, just because I wanted it?”

“I don’t know. Because I feel like it?” I just arched an eyebrow at her. “It felt right to do it because you wanted me to do it, I guess.” I just gave her a squeeze and rubbed her shoulder trying to get her to relax.

“Are you submissive?”

“No! I don’t know ... maybe ... What is a submissive?”

“The term submissive has as many meanings as there are people to describe it. It is really hard to nail down unless you keep it generalized, and then it means little or nothing. In simple terms, it means you feel more comfortable when someone else takes the lead in ... anything.” I waited to see if I would get a response. Nope. “In an extreme case, it could be someone who seeks out a master to control their life in every aspect. There are as many levels to being a submissive, as there are people. Everyone has a submissive side to their personality, just some more extreme in either way than others.” Still nothing. “What do you think?”

“As per your explanation, everyone is a submissive.”

“OK, that is true. Just because I like peas better than broccoli, I wouldn’t characterize myself as a pea lover. Would you call yourself a submissive, in the privacy of your home, talking to your husband?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.” I sighed.

“You know Rhonda; I haven’t had my cock sucked in a long time. Get on the ground here in front of me and suck my cock.” She started to get up, but I held her back, “What are you doing?”

“You said you wanted a blowjob, that’s what I’m doing.”

“But why are you doing it?”

“Because you said ... I don’t know if I am a submissive or not, what does it matter?”

“In the larger scheme of life, it doesn’t matter. In the more important one where you are my wife, and my job is to make you happy, it is extremely important.”

“Why?” She looked tense again.

“Let us assume for a minute that you aren’t a submissive. That you prefer to lead and feel uncomfortable following. But due to how you were raised you see it as a wive’s duty to follow her husband’s every demand.” She laughed at that. Thinking quickly, I changed the perspective of the hypothetical. “Let us assume that her personality is the same way in every aspect of her life except the bedroom.” She started to tense again. “In the bedroom, she couldn’t reach an orgasm unless she was told what to do and dominated; it is just what makes her tick. If he would just tie her up and treat her like a slut, she would have the biggest orgasm of her life.” No reaction. “The problem is she never told her husband how she feels because of the whole ‘how she was raised’ thing. The husband only saw her as independent, strong, beautiful, but he had no idea that she needed extra care in the bedroom to make her happy.

“She always had the hope that one day he would figure it out, but he never did. Over time she started to slowly despise him, it is like ‘he doesn’t care about me enough to figure out what I need’. But this isn’t fair to him, he didn’t know, had no idea, and most importantly, he would do anything to make her happy.” I waited for what I said to sink in. “What do you think about that story?”

“Obviously she should tell him,” she said.

“But it isn’t that simple, is it?”

“No. No, it isn’t.”

I gave her a kiss on the temple. I don’t think we will be having that conversation today. “I won’t be having sex with Karen, and I wasn’t expecting you to have sex with Kent in my absence. I really didn’t know I had to worry about you running around on me behind my back with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but I will keep a closer eye on you now.” She elbowed me and smiled. “Do you need any help getting ready for tonight’s dinner?”

“Yes ... No ... You have me all flustered now.”

“If you are that hung up over not sucking my dick, I don’t mind you doing it.” I kept a straight face.

She looked at me and elbowed me again. Then she got on her knees in front of me. Yep.

The dinner was great, I thought. Jacky really gave that poor boy hell all night. Kent and I would make eye contact and laugh every time. Poor Jacky didn’t even know.

As things were slowing down, I spoke up. “Karen, I want to invite you out to my harem to—”

“Yes! It is what I always wanted!” Everyone got quiet.

“How could you always want it? I just got the chair a week or so ago.”

Karen blushed, “I’m sorry, did I sound too eager?” Everyone laughed.

“Now Rhonda, you need to behave yourself while I am gone, we had a talk about this.” I gave her a stern warning.

“Daniel!” She was blushing now.

“Yes, dear?” I gave my best innocent look; I might have batted my lashes. Everyone laughed again.