Chapter 3: Back to Black

Sunday morning Olivia left me a message.

“I’ve been thinking. I’m really sorry. I took things too fast. In my hunger for you, I forgot to woo you properly. Please give me another chance.”

I was a mess the whole day, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch right out of the box and staring at my cell phone like she could see me through it. I wasn’t ready to call her yet, though I knew I would. I knew it like I knew the sun would rise tomorrow. My body, still wet and eager, knew it even better than I did.

Even Toronto was moody, refusing to chase after his toys when I threw them (as I desperately fought off the desire to call her back).

Then Monday morning came and I didn’t know how I could call her. I blushed every time I thought of her body above mine, and turned completely red when I thought about how I pushed her away. This was so beyond my comfort zone. I needed a distraction.

So I drank coffee all day and buried myself in reading a current case. It was about a woman, Rose Sherman, desperately trying to get away from her stalker. Scary, compelling stuff. It infuriated me how lenient stalker laws were. He’d been terrorizing her for nearly a year before he finally broke into her apartment and screwed up by leaving behind fingerprints and a nasty present in her panties. The cops were able to bring him in and now the legal system could bring Rose some justice. He was out on bail, but he was being heavily monitored. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he was behind bars permanently.

I would have to meet with her later in the week and get an idea on how I could represent her to the fullest. Forget about trying to impress my boss and the other lawyers in the department; I wanted to support this poor woman.

Jackie came over to my desk that afternoon and noticed my jumpiness.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I took a big gulp of my coffee and shook my head. “What? Nothing. Why? Nothing is wrong with me.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Anyway, how’s your lesbian?”

I rolled my eyes. “Lovely, Jackie.”

“Over that absurdity yet?”

“Why is it absurd?” I asked, trying to remove all annoyance from my tone. It didn’t work. Jacqueline grew defensive.

“Oh, I don’t know ... Maybe because I’ve known you for eight years and you’ve always liked dick. Remember John Grant, your ex-boyfriend who you used to be obsessed with?”

I shuddered remembering John and how terrible our breakup was. Yeah, I had been obsessed with him until he asked me to marry him. Funny how those things turn out. After that I took a year off from dating, which brought me up to the current day, hanging out with a lesbian on my weekends.

“What’s your point?”

“My point is that sometimes we get depressed and do crazy shit. My sister gets a tattoo every time she goes into a depression. I eat everything in my house. Maybe your thing is crazy experimentation that will not only hurt you, but her in the process. Ever think of that?”

I felt like she just slapped me. “She’s a big girl, too, you know.”

“Look, just go out with a guy. Any guy. Remember what it feels like. It’s been a year, Elizabeth!”

“I went out with Robert the other night and—”

“You hardly gave him a chance.” Jacqueline leaned against my desk. “I just think you need to experiment with what you know before you experiment with what you don’t. Like, do marijuana before you do heroin. Know what I mean?”

She patted my head and left. I opened my cell and stared at Olivia’s name, so incredibly tempted to call or text. But I couldn’t. Jacqueline was right, to an extent. Olivia was a fantastic person who deserved to be loved deeply by someone who had their shit together.

It just wasn’t me. Why else would I panic when I had a woman between my thighs?

I got back to work, now with a pulsating headache. Truthfully I didn’t have time for silly romances, not when such an important case that could make or break me landed on my desk.

“Elizabeth!”

I turned in the lobby of my office building and saw Robert chasing after me. He didn’t call after our date at the art gallery—mostly, I assumed, because I didn’t invite him up to my apartment. I tolerated his existence at the office, his sly smiles and obnoxious winks—who winks anymore?—because it seemed normal to do so. Jacqueline constantly reminded me what a gorgeous guy he was and how I hadn’t had sex in a year. An eternity, in her eyes.

The last guy I had sex with was John Grant, my boyfriend of three years before he asked me to marry him and I freaked out and broke up with him. Though I loved him, he was admittedly a bore towards the end. And he never made me come; I mastered the art of faking it. Sex was just never that exciting for me, and I didn’t completely miss it.

Of course there were nights when it seemed like every nerve-ending in my body was alive. My sheets teased me with each scrap of the fabric. The wind blown in from my open windows skirted across my shirt and I wouldn’t be able to resist teasing my nipples. A hand would inevitably travel down to my panties and I would make myself see stars before drifting off to sleep, wondering if that was the gauzy madness Jackie referred to.

Then I went out on dates with people like Robert, listened to them drone on about their day, and panicked about the thought of them anywhere near me. Only Olivia reawakened the urge to seek that satisfaction in another person and I couldn’t go through with it.

“Elizabeth,” Robert repeated again. I looked at him so properly dressed and nodded. “Sorry I didn’t get a chance to call you. The other night was fantastic. I had such a great time.”

I forced a smile. “Wonderful.”

“Listen, would you want to get drinks tonight? It was a busy day and I need to blow off some steam.”

I opened my mouth to refuse. Then the elevator doors opened and Jacqueline appeared. She saw Robert hovering over me and gave a thumbs up. She disappeared into the wintry afternoon, leaving me with the reminder that I wasn’t gay. Robert was exactly what I should want. A cock is what I personally needed to fill me, not Olivia’s fingers or her artful tongue.

The very thought of that aroused me. Confused, annoyed, terrified, I heard myself telling Robert yes. It couldn’t hurt to get one drink, I told myself. So I ignored the predatory gleam in his eye, the way he stood too close and the beat of my heart that told me with every throb this was wrong, wrong, wrong.

“So I told Jake, I said, ‘Jake. You want to go into court for something this fucking stupid, you just go right the fuck ahead.’ God, what a fucking moron he is.”

Robert sipped his wine and sank back into his seat. The wine and the crowded bar made me hot, so I pulled my sweater off and ignored Robert’s blue eyes watching.

“Jake is a really talented lawyer. I’m shocked he’d want to try a case that wasn’t worth it.”

Robert didn’t like my answer. “He wants every opportunity to haul ass in there to show off. Roger thinks he’s some golden boy, too. Typical you’d want to defend him.”

Our boss was a bit of a hero in my eyes so I was irritated he was speaking so dismissively of him. “Roger doesn’t have favorites. And why is that typical?”

“Because he’s a good-looking guy. You should know though—he’s gay. Just like your artist friend.” He grinned and I didn’t like it.

“My artist friend?”

“Yeah, Olivia Beringer. She couldn’t take her eyes off you the other night. Jackie mentioned you went out to dinner with her.” He gulped down some more wine and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I had no idea you were into girls.”

My heartbeat quickened. “I’m not. It was just dinner.”

He pulled out his wallet and left a generous amount of bills on the table—at least he was a good tipper. He yanked on his jacket. “Let’s get out of here. It’s fucking boiling with all these shits here.”

I followed him out, furious with Jackie for telling on me and scared that someone knew a secret about me. Something I wasn’t even sure I knew, myself.

Once we were out of the bar and standing on the sidewalk, Robert ran his hand down my arm. I shivered, and not in a good way.

He kissed me. It was too much tongue and too little lip. There was nothing erotic about it. He moaned into my mouth; he seemed to be enjoying it, at least. I let him stand there, moving his slippery tongue against my own in the freezing cold. He pulled away and grinned with sickening confidence.

“So, you like pussy, huh?” he asked.

I blinked up at him. “Excuse me?”

“Tell me all about it, baby.” He got too close. His hand wrapped around my arm in a painful grip. “You’re a cock-tease. Personally, all gay people gross me out but there’s nothing like a hot lesbian. Why don’t you—”

“Shut the hell up.”

“Oh yeah?” His lips curled into an obnoxious sneer. “Or what?”

“Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.”

He grinned with incredible self-confidence. “What are you gonna do about it ... dyke?”

“I’ll tell everyone that you fucked Roger’s wife.”

Thanks to Jackie and her large ass mouth, I’d heard that the summer before Robert had a brief but extensive affair with the Roger’s bored wife. It would destroy not only his career but also his life if Roger ever got wind of it.

Robert’s eyes turned panicked.

“Yeah, I thought so,” I said.

I spun on my heel towards home just as it started to snow.

That night was one of those nights where my body came alive and my hand had a mind of its own. It played its way down, grasping at my thighs and stroking my lips. A circle around my clit. An inch inside of me.

Suddenly it was Olivia there, her clever smile and wicked mouth. Right, wrong, me or not me, I let the fantasy play out. It was her hand between my thighs, her mouth drinking from me. I lost myself in a trembling orgasm and fell asleep right after, questions and doubts left for morning.

I stayed as far away from Jacqueline as I could the next day. I was still pissed at her for telling Robert about Olivia. I was also irritated she thought he was some kind of catch.