Chapter 97

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says “I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?” The accountant replies “Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I’d rather be the husband”. The big guy says “Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife’s dick”.

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool”. His wife asks him “What are you watching?” Husband replies “Our wedding video”.

Recently a young woman came into my father’s office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Gary, and his sister, Elizabeth”.

Q. What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhoea? A. the oyster shucker shucks between fits.

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. “I’m so tough” said the first boy “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week”. “Well” said the second little boy “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day”. “That’s nothing” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour”.

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” “The produce guy looked at me and said “No. You’ll have to do that yourself”.

Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met Dave in the hallway. She said “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?” “I’ll ask her” Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?” “No way!” his bride retorted. “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to my mother!”

Donald Trump was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said “I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?” She replied “$200”. To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was “$100”. He then asked the redhead. Her reply was “Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than in my apartment, and screw me the way you have all retirees, then it isn’t going to cost you a damned cent tonight!”

What do u call a woman with no legs? Fanny Walker.

A frog telephoned the psychic hotline and was told “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you”. The frog said “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No” said the psychic “Next term ... in her biology class”.

I just got a text from a girl saying “Myspacebarisbrokencouldyougivemeanalternative”. Does anyone know the meaning of “ternative”?

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said “Only caught one, eh?”

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good - mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit”. Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother”.

When a girl gets a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. BUT ... when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticised anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he’s called a pervert!!