Chapter 96

There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and the woman’s boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, “I’m sorry,” and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she’s walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, “Oh my god! A thousand apologies!”

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ‘There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ‘Now you must do the same,’ he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ‘Second,’ the professor continued, ‘you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says, ‘Open the vault skank’. The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don’t have any money here’. The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or I’m going to blow your fucking head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’. The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here. This is a sperm bank’. The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or I’ll blow your fucking head off’. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is sperm. Please, I’m not drinking sperm. We don’t have any money here. Please leave’. The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or I’ll blow your fucking head off’. So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that fucking difficult is it’.

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” And the rabbit replies “No.” So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one. I asked my friends “do you guys remember the first time”. “Oh hell yeah they all say” so I’m telling them about mine. So I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where. so i’m like oh shit “holy shit what did she do” asks my friend I reply “The first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhh!”