Chapter 9

This one is compliments of R. McFee‎

So, this fellow bought a parrot from the pet store, and wondered why it was so cheap. The bird appeared healthy; it looked around, and seemed perfectly normal.

After a few days in his new home, the bird began to speak. “Polly want a cracker”, etcetera, you know, the usual stuff.

Time passed, and the bird began to swear. And swear, and swear. The new owner, a firefighter, was no stranger to Anglo Saxon turns of phrase, but, Lawsey! This bird knew some curses!

The firefighter tried reasoning with the bird, and, for his trouble, was invited to have carnal knowledge of a goat.

He tried yelling at the bird, and was invited to worship at the altar of the Patron Saint of Fertility. With himself.

Finally, the bird let loose with a blistering stream of invective, so loud, so profane, so scorching vulgar, that, in desperation, the firefighter seized the parrot, threw open the freezer, and tossed the squalling bird inside, slamming the door shut.

The cursing and shenanigans continued for several minutes, until, abruptly, they ended. The man waited for a few more minutes, until, concerned, he peeked into the freezer, and beheld a silent, wide eyes bird scrunched up in one corner of the freezer.

He withdrew the silent parrot, set him on his perch, and regarded the creature for a bit.

“You think that you have finished swearing around me?” he asked.

The bird nodded.

“Do you understand that I am through tolerating that sort of language? No more!”

The bird nodded.

The owner glared at the bird for a bit, until the parrot ventured, “Sir? May I ask a question?”

“Ask your question.”

The parrot hesitated, finally asking, “Sir? What exactly was it, that the turkey did?”

This one is compliments of dave7692‎10‎

A vary famous artist was losing her sight. Specialists and doctors all told her that it was impossible to stop the awful process. But on the Web (where else?) she found a famous ophthalmologist in Texas (where else?) who seemed to perform miracles.

She took the first plane (first class, she was a FAMOUS artist!) to see if the famous ophthalmologist could save her sight. After a long consultation he told her that it was not a sure thing but there was some hope. As this was her only chance, she accepted an operation that took almost a day. A week later her sight showed a noticeable improvement and a month later it was perfect.

To thanks the famous doctor she offered to paint a mural on the front of his clinic. He accepted, but as she was a FAMOUS ARTIST she insisted that all the work be done behind a curtain and that he never peeked at it before it was finished. Three months later it was time to reveal the mural. Knowing that the doctor and the artist were FAMOUS there were a lot of people and journalists to see the unveiling of the mural.

And there, for everyone to see was a gigantic and beautiful eye. In a reflection on the gigantic eye you could admire a portrait of the doctor.

The artist looked at the doctor to gauge his reaction and was surprised to see a big smile.

She asked him: “Are you not happy? Why do you find it funny?” and he replied:

I am VERY happy, but I am smiling because I hesitated between ophthalmology and gynecology...