Chapter 88

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep sh*t.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
Once you open it, you realize it’s half-empty.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall ... The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

“You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

I went out dressed like a chicken last night...
... and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.

What’s a 6.9?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Two deer were leaving a gay bar...
One turned to the other and said, “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there!”

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
We’re closed. Beat it.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from.

I took a poop in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

Why do vegans give better head?
They’re used to eating nuts.

I’m not sure how I feel about masturbation...
On the one hand, it’s pretty great.

A man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a problem, I have 5 penises.”
He replies, “Like a glove.”

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to start smoking only after sex.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
With a great hand, you don’t even need a partner.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A trip without kids.

I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.

What is a Jewish person’s first discount?
10% off the penis.

What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A man.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.

I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex.
She asked if I was serious. I said, “Nah, I’m just f*cking with you.”

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!