Chapter 86

New Naval Ships Female Quarter Regulations:

Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private “OFF LIMITS” area on all aircraft carriers. While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, “Female sleeping quarters will be “out-of-bounds” for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

And the Admiral continued, “Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

God bless the Marine Corps!

Say thanks to sbrooks103‎ for this one

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

“In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.”

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

“I looked up, and right above me was one of them fokkers. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.”

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company.”

“That’s true,” says the pilot, “but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.”

This one is compliments of Old Rotorhead

What do you call a golden-plumaged birdbrain who’s a long-time media figure and tweets all the time?

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Well, Warner Bros. called it “Tweety Bird”, but if you said “Donald Trump” no one will argue.

These are from Phoenix‎

Generic Drug News

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

JOHNNY SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DADDY SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: “You’ve Got Male!”

A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls, Montana, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “I know. But that’s OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I’m in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “We don’t want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.