Chapter 80

Jokes

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip”. The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers “The wife did it”.

A man stood outside his house after a bitter divorce and noticed a crate of beer bottles. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing “You are the reason I don’t have a wife”. He smashed the second bottle “You are the reason I don’t have children”. He smashed the third bottle “You are the reason I don’t have a job”. When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still SEALED and filled with beer. He said to the bottle “YOU STAND ASIDE, I KNOW YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED”.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m fucked”. Suddenly there is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out “No, you are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you”. So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: “Now you’re fucked!”

Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. “Could you taste this for me, please?” The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. “Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy. “No, not at all” says the chemist. “Oh that’s a relief” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar”.

“Your honour” a defence attorney began “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the part of the crime when it occurred”. The judge looked at the defence table and said “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies”. The offender stood up with a confused expression and said “Your honour, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life”. Waving his finger, the judge replied “I was referring to your lawyer”.

You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example: if it’s in a ditch, it’s a woman’s.

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon. The first night Gary spends six hours eating Mary’s pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!” The waiter says “Can I help you, sir?” Gary yells “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, shaking her head, and whispers “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair”. “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I’d found a piece of spaghetti in there?”