Chapter 8

This one is compliments of thedad49‎09‎

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the Bird section. Gerry says to Paddy,”Dat’s dem.”

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere,” says Gerry,

“Put dem in a peeper bag.”

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry’s van and drive to ‘Come-By-Chance ‘ until they are high up on a hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

Dis looks like a grand place, he?” says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds before he hits the rocks below with a ‘SPLAT!’

As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, “Fock dat, did Budgie Jumpin is too fockin’ dangerous fer me.”

This one is compliments of Mace

A newly retired military man who’d managed to sock away a very tidy sum during his time in the service and now pensioned off having done his twenty years and making very good money from investments besides bought himself a house and looked for a golf club to join. Hearing about a rather exclusive country club nearby, he sent in an application.

In due time he got back a response and was amazed to discover that quite apart from the stiff fees charged to members on a yearly basis there was an initiation test. Having eyeballed the course and thinking it was probably worth it, he turned up to the club.

The club president proceeded to lead him to a small room and pointed to the three doors opposite the one they’d entered from and a line on the floor near it.

“Your test is quite simple. Behind the first door is a bottle of imported rum, the good stuff. You need to drain the bottle, bring it out here and put it on this side of the line. Half an hour time limit. Easy.”

The prospective member nodded and looked at the other two doors. “I take it there’s more to it though.”

“Quite correct, the booze just adds a little handicap to the event to prevent making it too easy. Behind the second door is a ferocious grizzly bear and you need to take a tooth from it inside the same time limit, bring it out here and put it this side of the line next to the empty bottle.”

The prospective member blinked and stared at the third door. “Oh, this has got to be good.”

“Actually, it is. There’s a very lovely young lady in there who’s stark naked on a comfortable bed and she’s the one who they talk about when they mention suck starting a Harley Davidson. Gorgeous and a right goer. You have a half hour to get her off three times while she’s going to do her best to drain you dry. You make it, she’ll send you back out to us. You up for the challenge?”

“This place better live up to the hype and be worth the effort but let’s do it.”

The determined prospect headed into the first room and proceeded to work his way steadily through the promised bottle before weaving back to the line and carefully placing it down, smirked at the club official and weaved his way through the second doorway.

A dreadful roaring noise shouts and screams of invective from the applicant, loud thuds of bodies bouncing off the walls and finally silence before the applicant staggered out of the bear’s room.

A bleeding mess with bruises and claw marks all over him, clothing torn away and definitely the worse for wear he defiantly stumbled and weaved his way up to the line with a smirk on his face and crossed it before doing a drunken turn towards the third door.

“Be right back, just have to go get that chicks tooth.”

This one is compliments of Pepere

Top 10 Country Western Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.

6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.

5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day