Chapter 71

These are compliments of Allan

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah let’s all the animals out. Says, “Go and multiply.” Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. “What’s the problem?” says Noah. “Cut down some trees and let us live there”, say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, “Want to tell me how the trees helped?” “Certainly”, say the snakes. “We’re adders, and we need logs to multiply.”

The mathematician Norbert Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, “Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I’m Norbert Weiner and we’ve just moved. Would you know where we’ve moved to?” To which the young girl replied, “Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget.”

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can’t suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

“Make it a double, Joe,” the dejected man told the bartender. “I just got the shock of my life. I caught my wife screwing my best friend.” “Paul, that’s awful. What did you do?” “I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits.”

There once was a yellow toad. He was a very unhappy toad because he had no friends. Thus, he consulted a magician, who was able to turn him brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said, For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much luck with those.” On the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink elephant, who was leaning against a rock and crying. “What’s the matter?” asked the toad. “I’m pink! That’s what’s the matter.” said the elephant. “No problem,” said the toad, “just go see the magician.” So the elephant did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private parts. “For that you must see the Wizard,” said the magician. “How do I find the Wizard?” asked the elephant. “Simple,” said the magician, “just follow the yellow-prick toad!”