Chapter 70

My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: “I just need time.”
Me: “Okay. Yeah, I understand.”
Her: “And distance, as well.”
Me: “Fine. But can I ask you one last question?”
Her: “Go ahead.”
Me: “What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?”

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle”
His friend responds “A turtle? How are you supposed to be a turtle? And who is that woman on your back?”
The man replies “Oh, that’s Michelle” –

Thank Phoenix for the following.

‎ Three men were travelling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London, England. One man was from the US, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The American began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert.”

Then the man from France spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the shopping and also all the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.”

The man from Canada sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do all the cooking, the shopping and the housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I began to see a little bit out of my left eye.”

Canada ... Home of the Free!

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
You’re so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
Let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes
Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you by showing that I a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay