Chapter 68

Sorry these are a day late. When you get old ... things happen...

Valentine’s Day Jokes

Dreaming of Gifts

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine ‘s Day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.

Lots of Letters

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day; he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Gardener in Love

Q: What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

A: It made him wed his plants!

Lights Out to Leave

“You came home early from your date,” John observed to his roommate. “What happened?”

“Well,” said the flat-mate, “after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights.”

“So, what next?” asked John, eyebrows raised.

“I can take a hint,” said his flat-mate. “I came home.”

Valentine’s Day Genie

AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.”

“Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?”

“That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”

Woman Like Man
Nymphomaniac (nim(p)-fə-ˈmā-nē-yak)
n. A women as obsessed with sex as the average man.

Love Winnings
Q: Why does Cupid always make so much money at the casino?
A: Because he’s a Valentine’s Card Shark.

Cute Angles
If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.

My Better Half
Q: What did the toast say to the butter on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re my butter half!

A Good Looking Muffin
Q: What did one muffin say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re my stud-muffin!

One in a Million
Q: What did one watermelon say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re one in a melon!

Beating Hearts
Q: What did one beet say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: You make my heart beet faster!

Single Savings
I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine’s Day by switching
to single.

Mushroom Love
Q: What did one mushroom say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: “There’s so mushroom in my heart for you!”

Coffee Lover’s Dream
What’s the perfect thing to say to a coffee-lover on
Valentine’s Day?
“Words cannot espresso what you mean to me.”

Cannoli Gift
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine’s Day.
When she asked why, I said, “I cannoli be happy when I’m with
you.”

Expensive Date
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?
February 14th.

Valentine’s Day Laugh
Do you have a date for Valentine’s day? Yes, February 14th.

Man Overboard
Q. What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her
boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A. One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Loving Lettuce
Q. Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A. Because it’s all heart.

Thankful Friends
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!

Emma Loves Candy
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Emma
Emma who?
Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is Here
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atlas
Atlas who?
Atlas, it’s Valentine’s Day!

Pooch Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Pooch
Pooch who?
Pooch your arms around me!

Olive Lovers
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Hop Hop Love
Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s
Day?
A: Somebunny loves you!

Love as Big as a Whale
Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Whale you be mine!

Beary Much Love
Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s
Day?
A: I love you beary much!

Buzz Buzz
Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day?
A: You are bee-utiful!

Sheepishly In Love
Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s
Day?
A: You’re not so baaaa-d!

Frankenstein’s in Love
Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s
Day?
A: Be my Valenstein!

Ghostly Love
Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
A: Be my Valenslime!

Dating Bats
Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: You’re fun to hang around with.

Owl Love
Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day?
A: Owl be yours!

Pencil and Paper
Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my i’s on you!

Pointy Love
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Flower Mistake
Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
A: Cauliflowers!

Sweet Chocolate
Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: “I’m sweet on you!”

Runaway Bride
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Singing Ram
Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

Slithering Romance
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Lots of Hands to Hold
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand,
hand, hand, hand?

Kitty Love
Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day?
A. You’re purrr-fect for me!

Tweety Hearts
Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s
Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

You Light Me Up
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Tiny Love
Q: What do you call a very small Valentine?
A: A Valentiny!

A Ton of Love
Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: I love you a ton!

Magnetic Attraction
Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.

Valentine’s Day Dreams
Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.

Buttered Up
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Fruit Date
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Volcano Romance
Q: What did one volcano say to the other?
A: I lava you.

Cupid’s TV Show
Q: What’s Cupid’s favorite superhero TV show?
A: Arrow.

Romantic Fork
Q: What’s the most romantic part of a fork?
A: Its Valen-tines.

Chocolate Sale
Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day?
A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Valentine Surprise
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Luke
Luke who?
Luke who got a Valentine!

Knock Knock Love
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your Valentine!

Vegetable Love
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s got heart.

Angels Get Married
Q: What happened when the two angels got married?
A: They lived harpily ever after.

Party Hard
Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party?
A: Because you can party hearty.

British Romance
Q: What is the most romantic city in England?
A: Loverpool.

How a Chef Shows Affection
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.

Love Birds
Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.