Chapter 63

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It’s so easy to fool OLD people!

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh, quit whining; I fell for it, too...

More humor according to St John‎

Jokes

I said to my neighbour “Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?” With a disbelieving look he said “Are you sure?” “Yes” I said “and I’ve got loads of pictures to prove it”.

THE FOUR KINDS OF SEX. HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX: After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”. COURTROOM SEX: When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole”. The grandfather replies “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole”. The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars”. The grandfather replies “I know. That’s from your Grandma”.

In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine”. The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room”. She replied “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that”. The cowboy said “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference”. She said “You tell him. He is the one shaving you”.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on ‘Observation’. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. “This” he explained “is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste”. After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth”.

I had a dream the other night. In it, I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out “What was all that about?” He replied “Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through”.

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked. “That’s nothing” the kid said after taking a swig of beer. “I got laid when I was three”. “What? How did that happen?” “I don’t remember. I was drunk”.

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated “I agree but under four conditions”.

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked “And what are the four conditions?”

The room stilled. There was a long pause.

The Pope replied “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex”.

“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex”.

“And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one”.