Chapter 59

A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes ‘beep-beep-beep-beep... ‘ “What’s that for?” asked one of the girls. “Oh that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed” said the bloke. “My God” she said shocked “in the States we don’t even let them drive...”

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No” said the farmer “I get a dime for a tomato like that one”.

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one “Will you take two pennies for that one?” “Yes” replied the farmer “I’ll give you that one for two cents”. “OK” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand “I’ll pick it up in about a week”.

An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbour, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he’d shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun. She replied “Drop your pants and let me see”. So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced “You’re 88 years old!” “Why, yes I am” the old man said. “That’s amazing! How could you tell?”

“Well” she said “you told me this morning at breakfast”.

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says “Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?” The doctor says “You know, Miss Stukowski, I have to admit you’re the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!”

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn’t find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said “The morning Eve and I made love for the first time”. God said “Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?” Adam replied “She’s down at the river, washing herself out”. “Damn” says God “now all the fish will smell funny”.

Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist?

A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!

“What’s for lunch?” my husband asked as I worked in the garden.

“Whatever you prepare” I replied curtly. “Imagine I’m dead. What would you do then?” “Okay” he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. “Very well” he replied. “I had a lovely salad”.

“What about me?” I asked. “I thought you were dead” he said.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour’s bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. “Yeah daddy, yeah daddy” said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. “Say, Pop” said the boy. “Yes”

replied his father. “The bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said “Excuse me?” and took his son outside.

“Son, you mustn’t use language like that in front of company. You should say ‘the bull SURPRISED the brown cow’. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull ‘SURPRISES’ the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said “Hey, Daddy”. “Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

– Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for an assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.

“How are you going to assist me?” asked Quasimodo. “That’s easy!”

replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.

BONGGGGGG “That’s amazing!” said Quasimodo “But could you show me again?”

“Sure!” said the man and with that he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.

A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police officer asked “Does anyone know who he is?” Quasimodo came out and said... “I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!”

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order “Bring me my red shirt”.

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, the officers discussed the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?”

The captain replied “No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized”. The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.