Chapter 571

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The following is compliments of ‘Big Guy’.

“So, Holmes, what sort of school do you think the pedophile will strike next?” “Elementary, my dear Watson!”

Are you going to arrest me for making lewd childish innuendos? I hope you don’t expect me to come quietly.

Good news for small mothers. They’re going to raise the mini-mum wage.

Attention, please. To anyone who’s afraid of elevators, please take steps to avoid them.

The new BMW Hemorrhoid series. Because eventually, every asshole gets one.

My name is Bambi. You killed my mother. Prepare to die.

You look like a million dollars – Less impressive than you would have looked like ten years ago...

A man says to his boos, “Can we talk? I have a problem”.

The boss says, “Problem? No such thing. Here we call it an opportunity”.

“OK”, the man says. “I have a serious drinking opportunity”.

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for...

Times new ramen!

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

... that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn’t care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides it’s time to propose to her. So he heads to her father’s house to ask for his blessing.

“Hello, sir, I’m here to ask for your daughter’s hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks “And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... “Well, it’s just that mine have gotten tired.”

COVID-19 is like Pasta Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

Who won the 1940 Tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer Division.

What kind of tank flies?

Peter Panzer.

Following England in the world cup...

Every time England plays, I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t wait for this Colombia game!

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, “Ya dig?”

I thought to myself, this guy’s pretty far out. I answered, “Yeah, man. I dig!”

That’s how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition

The great fishing expedition...

Husband plans a fishing trip with his family. The day of the trip comes and his wife yells from the kitchen “it’s raining, I’m not going”. He walks downstairs and says sternly, “listen lady, either you come on this fucking fishing trip, you’re sucking my dick or I get to slip it in your backdoor ... so pick one!” She takes a second to think and chooses the bj. moments after she drops on him she says “Ughhh, your dick tastes like shit!”. He replies “ahah, wouldn’t doubt it - the dog didn’t wanna go fishing either”