Chapter 551

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OldGreyDuck is at it again🙄 Enjoy!!!!

I helped my neighbor move a few heavy things in her house today. She said; “Oh, I could marry you!” And I’m thinking to myself; “Gee! Help someone out, and they threaten you with a lifetime of misery!”

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 30-minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering!

How can you tell the gender of an ant? Simple. Put it in a cup of water. If it sinks ... Girl ant. If it floats...

I’m really happy that Facebook is up again. It was so annoying, knockings on my neighbors doors to show them my dinner!

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a near by reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

“This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.”

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

“How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

“What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with dangling participle.

I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they’re standing.

My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.

What type of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A FIZZ-ician. (Okay, I will stop now.)

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Smokeyjoe34 contributions, many thanks:

An army unit was going to engage in war games, they were divided into two groups, the red team and the blue team. As they were handing out weapons, they found they when short of guns, so they gave the last man a stick and told him to pretend it was a rifle.

“Er, O.K.” He said, “what am I supposed to do with this,”

“Well” said the officer, “just point it and say bang, bang, and the other soldier will fall down and play dead, if they don’t then they will be charged.”

So off he went and shortly he saw an ‘enemy’ soldier, lifted the stick he shouted “bang, bang” and low and behold the soldier dropped down and played dead.

‘Hey! He thought, this is great’

Then he saw another ‘enemy’ and again he shouted “bang, bang” and the soldier dropped down and pretending to be dead.

Then he saw a ‘enemy’ soldier walking along the road, so he jumped out and shouted “bang, bang” but the soldier kept walking, so again he shouted “bang, bang” and the other soldier kept walking, bumped into him, walked over him and kept walking saying “tank, tank”.

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