Chapter 52

More from St. John

THE BEST REVENGE IS REVENGE

REVENGE #1: A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other. In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5am so he could make it in time for a business flight. Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5am” and left the note on the bedside table. The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was 9am and he had missed the flight! He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table. The note read “It’s 5 o’clock, wake up”.

REVENGE #2: Two friends met at the neighbourhood supermarket one day. When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote. “Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed. “No” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house. So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about”.

REVENGE #3: A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony cheque he had to pay his ex-wife. He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her “My daughter, I want you to take this cheque to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn cheque she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. “The girl went to give the cheque to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond. When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away “What did your mother say?” “She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father”...

REVENGE #4: One day, on their 30-year anniversary, a fairy appeared at the home of a 60-year-old married couple and said to the husband “I understood from your wife that you were a model husband throughout your marriage, and I would like to fulfil a wish of yours in honour of your anniversary”. The husband smiled and said to his wife “I am sorry my beloved wife, but such an opportunity won’t come again”. He turned to the fairy and said “For the next few years I want to spend time with a woman 30 years younger than me”. The fairy smiled and said “That’s exactly what I thought you’d answer”. The fairy winked at the woman, waved her magic wand, and turned the husband into a 90-year-old man.

REVENGE #5: One evening, a man came home from work and found his home completely upside down. His three children, still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge, the entrance rug lying on the table, the television in the living room blasting cartoons loudly, and all the furniture in the room covered in stuff. The kitchen sink was full of dishes, the leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and crumbs covered it as well. The man hurried up the stairs, jumping over toys and piles of clothes, worried that his wife might be sick or that something had happened to her. When he entered the bedroom, breathless, he found her lying happily in bed while still in her pyjamas, reading a book. Hearing his heavy breathing she looked at him, smiled, and asked how his day had been. The surprised man was completely confused and asked his wife “What happened here today?” The woman smiled at him and replied “You know how every day when you come home you ask me what the hell I did that day?” “Yes” replied the man, astonished. “Exactly” replied the woman “Today, I didn’t do any of it”.

REVENGE #6: A newly married couple moved into their new home. The next day, the woman asked her husband “Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said “What do I look like to you, Bob the Builder?” A few days later, the woman asked another favour from her husband “Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?” The husband looked at his wife and said “What do I look like to you, an Uber driver?” A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof. “Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?” The husband looked at his wife and said “What do I look like to you, Google?” Then one rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either. When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her “My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?” She replied “Oh, I ran into one of our neighbours, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything”. “Wow” marvelled the husband “did he charge us for all of it?” “No” said the woman. “He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him”. “Oh good” the husband rejoiced. “What kind of cake did you bake him?” The woman looked at the husband and said “What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”