Chapter 51

Compliments of Reltney McFee‎

So, once upon a time, a construction crew was working outside a convent. This was long ago, in a more delicate time, and, well, the workmen were a plain spoken lot.

After a time, the Mother Superior invited the construction foreman to meet with her, so they could discuss some things.

She related how the tender sensibilities of the sisters were tested by the Anglo-Saxon terms employed by the workers, and could the foreman please encourage his employees to tone it down.

He replied, “Well, you know, Reverend Mother that these are a rough lot, plain spoken men. They are not attuned to the more sensitive things in life. Being plain spoken, they are inclined to call a spade a spade!”

The Mother Superior drew herself up to her full 5 foot height, and returned, “You know that’s bullshit! They call it a fucking shovel!”

More from St John‎

Jokes

“Hey, Domino’s. I got your pizza and there ain’t any toppings ... no nothin’ ... it’s like only just bread!” “Please give us your phone number and street address”. “Never mind ... I opened the box upside down!”

My neighbour. She’s single. She’s shapely. She’s beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife ... but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. “Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer”. “Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?” “Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age”. “Fine. Well what other things do you have?” “Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?” “Pop” goes the weasel.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. There was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die”.

The men left the doctor’s office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said “You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”