Chapter 499

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Therapist: What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?

Client: Sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead.

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Another gem from Biiguy

Apropos “the speed of darkness’

The speed of smell is faster than the speed of light. After all, when you’re baking a cake and open the oven, you smell it before you see it.

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And this gem is from Alphqwe

I know that the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes they give me some great advice.

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😊

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Give Navarre a bow for this submission, many thanks.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the backroom and told the manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy just a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around and realized the man was standing right behind him, so he added “ ... and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called in the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh really, why did you leave?” asked the manager.

“They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Is that right?” said the manager? My wife is from Minnesota.”

The boy replied, “No kidding? What team did she play for?”

A woman gives birth to a baby, and after a few moments looking at it, the doctor says to her, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Oh my god,” she gasps, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s exactly wrong,” replied the doctor. “It’s a perfectly healthy baby, it’s just a little ... different ... than you might expect. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

She looks a confused. “What’s a hermaphrodite?”

“Well,” says the doctor, “it means it has both male and female parts.”

The woman turns pale. “You mean it has a penis, AND a brain?”

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