Chapter 495

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can’t find the sunshine ... be the sunshine.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.

One minute you’re young and fun. The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.

Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.