Chapter 48

Compliments of St John‎

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura-Cell concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had installed Mr. Bunny’s batteries backwards; and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb shit, it’s Tony Blair!”

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colours she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a colour, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?”

The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying grass across the street.”

A lady ap proaches a priest and says to him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female cocky’s but they only know how to say one thing”.

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, Hi, we’re prostitutes. D’ya wanna have some fun?”

“That’s terrible!!” exclaimed the priest, “but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female cocky’s over to my house and I will put them with my two male cocky’s who I taught to pray and read the bible. My cocky’s will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brought her female cocky’s to the priest’s house. His two male cocky’s were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female cocky’s in with the male cocky’s and the females immediately said “Hi, we’re prostitutes. D’ya wanna have some fun?”

One male cocky looks at the other male cocky and exclaims “Put the fuckin bible away - our fuckin prayers have finally been answered”.

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.

There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it’s inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel really bad about what they were doing so ... they buried her.

The little rascals were at school one day, and their teacher, Mrs. Crabtree, said it would be a spelling day. Mrs. Crabtree said that she would give a student a word, and they would have to spell it and use it in a sentence.

She called on Dorothy, and told her to spell “stupid.”

Dorothy spelled it and used the sentence, “Spanky is stupid.”

Mrs. Crabtree said that wasn’t nice, but it was correct. Then she told Spanky to spell “dictate.”

He spelled it and then said, “Dorothy how did my dic-tate last night.”

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

American car horns beep in the tone of F.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Adolph Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second? William Jefferson Clinton!

Running out of decent pickup lines to impress chicks with? Try these on for size. One of em is bound to work eventually.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

If we were squirrels would you play with my nuts?

Have you ever tripped over a tree? How ‘bout a root then?

Do you like chocolate milk? Then suck my dick, cuz it’s Primo!

Hey baby! Do you believe in the “Hereafter”? Well you know what I’m here after!

Ask a girl her name. When she tells you, reply that your name is “Milk”. When she looks at you strangely, reply, “I’ll do your body good!”

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?