Chapter 471

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Bordello stories #1

One day an elderly gent goes into the neighborhood bordello. The Madam sizes him up and send him up to see Alice, a very nice hooker.

The man knocks and goes in. There is Alice in her best bustier. “Just a moment,” says he. “I have a little routine.”

He starts to undress. He hangs up his jacket and removes his vest. Necktie and shirt are next followed by his undershirt. Shoes have to come off, and then his pants and boxers. He applies a condom.

Then he takes two cotton balls from his suit pocket. He tears one in half and stuffs them in his ears. Then he tears the other cotton ball in half and stuffs them in his nostrils.

Alice is watching all this from her bed. “I have to ask. What are the cotton balls for?”

“My dear,” he explains. “There are two things I simply cannot stand. The first is the cry of a woman in ecstasy, and the second is the smell of burning rubber.”

Bordello stories #2

I was driving through Nevada and saw a sign: “30 miles to Sally’s Bordello”

I drove on. In a few miles, I saw another: “25 miles to Sally’s Bordello. A unique experience.”

I drove on. Sure enough, another sign: “20 miles to Sally’s Bordello. You’ll never be screwed like this.”

Wow. That’s kind of explicit for a road sign. Then there was another and another and another. Every mile.

Finally a huge neon arrow pointed to a building with an attached series of trailers. “This is it. Sally’s Bordello. You won’t believe it.”

What could I do? I pulled in to the lot and went in. It was all computerized. The computer screen said: “Pick what you want. [ blonde ] [ redhead ] [ brunette ]. Pick the race of the girl you want.[ white ] [ latina ] [ black ] [ Asian ].”

Then it asked for $100 and offered a choice of credit cards. I put in my card, and got a receipt and instructions to the third door on the right.

When I went to the door, I opened it. It was all black with another door in front of me. The door in front was closed. I turned around, written on the door in day-glo paint was “Congratulations! You’ve just been screwed at Sally’s Bordello.” Then the other door opened, and I was outside.