Chapter 46

This shorty is compliments of Dingwall42‎

Little Jonny “I bet you haven’t got one of these”.

Little Mary “No, but my Daddy has two of them. He’s got a small one for wee-weeing with and a big one for cleaning Mummy’s teeth.”

Humor according to St John‎

“The thrill is gone from my marriage” Alan told his friend Don.

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Don suggested. “But what if my wife finds out?” “Heck, it’s 2018, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it”. So Alan went home and said “Dear, our marriage seems to be stale. Do you think an affair will bring us closer together?” “Forget it!” said his wife. “I’ve tried that ten or twelve times already - it never works!”

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here” he inquired “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?” “That’s correct” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks”. “But that’s perfectly normal” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks”. “You DO?”

exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

It was 6pm and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone’s laundry on my way home. “It’s for my cousin” she apologised “who’s eight months pregnant and can’t get out much anymore”. I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. “Hi, there” I said with a big smile. “Is your mummy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained “I have a delivery for her”. The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mummmm!” she shrieked “come quick! It’s the stork!”

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. “ ... and to drink?” she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man’s lap when she stopped at the table. “Oh my God! I am so sorry!!”

“That’s OK” the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin “but tell me, is this regular or decaf?” “Regular”

she replied. “Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!”

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?” Patient: “Well, give me the bad news first”. Doctor: “You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left”. Patient: “OH NO! That’s awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??” Doctor: “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you”.

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, “Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh”. I replied, “Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!” A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said “What she really said was: 666136429”.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St.

Tropez. The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could. “Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme.

“That woman - she is dead!” “Dead!” howled Pierre jumping up.

“Sacre bleu! I took her for an American!”

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. “Amazing - 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well” he replied “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions”.

“Really?” I responded. “Does that really work?” “Oh, yes” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time.

Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman. “Come here often?” he asked. “Not really” the guy replied. “I usually wait until I get home”.

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TRANSLATIONS FOR WOMEN - JUST SO YOU KNOW These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

“IT’S A GUY THING”

Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”

Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH” “SURE, HONEY” OR “YES, DEAR”

Translated: “Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”

Translated: “I have no idea how it works”.

“TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”

Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner”.

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR”

Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS”

Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘The A Team’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the VIN’s of every car I’ve ever owned ... but I forgot your birthday”.

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL”

Translated: “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt”.

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”

Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon”.

“I CAN’T FIND IT”

Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless”.

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”

Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE”

Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again”.

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK”

Translated: “I make the messes; she cleans them up”.

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read “We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!”

The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says “So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?” The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. “Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries!” he says.

“Turn it around!” the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says “How ‘bout steak and baked potato?”

The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveller. He bites into it. “Tastes like steak!” he says. “Turn it around” the old man says. “Wow, POTATO!”

The traveller thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out “Okay old man, I bet you don’t have one that tastes like PUSSY!?”

Sure enough, the old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says “Man, this tastes like SHIT!!” The old man just grins and says “Turn it around!”

Every day a third grade boy walks home from school past a fourth grade girl’s house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says “See this football? Football is a BOY’S game and girls can’t have one!”

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling “Nah-na-nah-na-nah”.

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. “See this bike?

This is a BOY’S bike, and girls can’t have them!”

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy’s bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOY’S have these and your mother can’t go buy you one!”

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl “Well, what do you have to say NOW?” So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says “My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the ‘houses’ he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.

So he goes to the first house, the Madame answers the door. “Good day” he says “I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?” The Madame answers “80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl”.

Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and declines the Madam’s offer to enter the preemies.

He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same each time he asks the question. Then at one house he asks, the Madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blonde with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the Madame a hundred dollar bill and says “I would really like to be with that blonde over there”. “I’m sure you would” replies the Madame “but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!”

Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.

Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female’s breasts. The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.

First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.

Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.

Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time, shaking his head in disbelief.

The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him “What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”

“Well” said the officer “I’m a little surprised and confused.

Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap you’ll find an arsehole”.

One day, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.

The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied “Me tell-um time”. This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.

A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.

The cowboy asked what he was doing this time. The Indian said “Me wind-um watch”.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. “Lou” says the shocked friend “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?” Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies “My wife just ran off with my best friend”. He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. “But” says the other man “I’m your best friend!” The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs “Not anymore ... he is! Bwahaha!”

Pauly came home from school one day, with a note from his teacher: “Pauly has a strong tendency toward myopia [nearsighted]. Please see about it”. The next day, Pauly returned to school with a note from his father: “Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I have given him a good thrashing, and he won’t do it again”.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? A. The girl who can eat the last donut.

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At my first Weight Watchers meeting, the group leader asked each of us why we wanted to lose weight. When it was her turn, one woman started to sob. “I vowed to lose weight when my husband bought me something too small for me to fit”. The leader replied “Oh, that’s too bad. Was it a dress?” “No, a Porsche!”

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?” He replies “It died today”. “Oh that’s terrible!” the nurse replied. The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says “I thought it died yesterday”. The man replies “It did. Today is the viewing”

A couple was going to bed when the husband asked the wife to make love. She replied “Oh, I can’t. I didn’t have time to shower tonight and I feel all dirty”. The husband said “Oh, okay”. Then he asked “Did you have time to brush your teeth?”

The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Petey says: “I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Petey, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson... “And how about you, Sarah?” “I think I wanna be Petey’s hooker”.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel”. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents”. “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80”.

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars”.

An American, a scot and a Greek were walking down the road when they are struck and killed by lightning. They soon reach the pearly gates and plead to be sent back, so St. Peter calls god who agrees they can go back as long as they desist from their favourite things. in a flash they are back on the street. Soon they come to a McDonalds and the American, overcome with temptation, runs in, buys a Big Mac, takes a bite and disappears in a puff of smoke. Suitably chastened the other two walk on when the Scotsman sees a coin in a crack in the pavement. Overcome by temptation he bends down to pick it up and the Greek disappeared.

What do you call a supermodel with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. “If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilisation, what would you miss the most?” he asked his wife.

She replied “You”.

THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED Women may argue this has been written by a hybrid misogynist/sexist/narcissist. Guys will grin, take a sip of beer and nod in silent approval...

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you’ve got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!