Chapter 457

Allan B was nice enough to provide the following:

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of tequila. After throwing it back he orders another. He tossed that one back and asked for one more.

The bar tender then asked what the occasion was, and the man replied, “my first blow job.”

The bartend said “that’s great! Here, the next one is on the house” and he poured the man a 4th drink.

The man pushed the glass away and said “No thanks. If the first three didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

A guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the Chinese bartender and says, “give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender says, “OK, once upon a time there were 4 bears...”

3 dogs are in adjacent cages at the veterinarian. The dogs start discussing their situations.

One dog offers, “Man, I really blew it. I chewed up the brand new couch and my owners said it was the last straw, so they brought me here to be put down. What about you guys?”

The next dog says, “I bit the mailman for the last time. My owners said they couldn’t risk it anymore, so they brought me here to be put down.”

“Bummer,” says the first dog.

“yeah, I know,” replies the second.

They both look at the third dog, “what about you, what’s your story?”

“Well, my master’s wife likes to do housework in the nude. This morning she was scrubbing the kitchen floor on her hands and knees when I came thru the kitchen door. I looked at her and couldn’t help myself. I just ran over there and started humping her like crazy.”

“Oh my,” exclaimed the first 2 dogs, “I can understand why she would want to put you down for that.”

“Oh, I’m not here to be put down, she dropped me off to get my nails trimmed.”

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

A priest goes duck hunting with a friend. They are in the duck blind when one flies by. The friend takes a shot and misses.

“God dammit, I missed!”

“Son,” says the priest. “That’s not pleasing to God and could land you in hell.”

The friend just looks at the priest. A few minutes later, another duck flies by, the friend shoots and misses. “God Dammit, I missed again!”

“My son,” says the priest. “Heed my words, that displeases God, and you will suffer the consequences.”

A minute or two later a black cloud passes over. A lightning bolt streaks out of the sky, hits the priest, and kills him dead. The friend looks up to the heavens as a loud voice comes roaring down from above, “God dammit, I missed again.”

Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

The woman replies, “Yes. Now, we’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

Murphy is a trainee nurse in his local GPs surgery. Last week the doctor said, “Murphy I’m going for a round of golf so I’m leaving you in charge, it’s always quiet on Wednesdays.”

On his return the doctor asked Murphy how he’d got on.

MURPHY. “I had three lady patients. The first complained of headaches so I gave her Paracetamol.”

DOCTOR, “Good.”

MURPHY. “The second complained of stomach ach so I gave her Gaviscon.”

DOCTOR. “You learn fast.”

MURPHY. “The third woman burst through the door, ripped her clothes off and jumped naked onto the couch screaming, ‘Help me help me, I’ve not seen a man in over two years.’”

DOCTOR. “What did you do?”

MURPHY. “I gave her some eye drops.”

One doctor says to another doctor; I think that I will have to fire nurse Smith. So the other doctor ask him how come? “Because she keeps getting things backwards. The other day I told her to give Mr. Jones in room 301 one pill every four hours. She ended up giving him 4 pills every hour. I then told her to change the bandage on his head. She ended up making his bed.” All of a sudden they heard this horrible scream coming from Mr. Jones’s room.

So the doctor says, “Oh No” I will definitely have to fire nurse Smith now; I told her to go in and prick Mr. Jones boil.”

When you get old, you learn to live in the moment, live in the present. Because you can’t count on the future, and you can’t remember the past.