Chapter 455

Thanks to Allan B for this submission:

humor ... such as it is

I recently bought a bag of air. The company that made it was nice enough to put in a few potato chips...

How many thin mints do you have to eat before they start working?

My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

I thought to myself, “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

If stupidity were a disability, I know a few people who’d be getting monthly checks...

You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I might as well pee, as long as I’m here”.

Pharmacist to a customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing your marriage certificate and your wife’s picture is not enough.”

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book”

“Political Correctness is just fascism pretending to be manners”—George Carlin

Mary Poppins, you’re under arrest for Supercallifragilisticsextrafficking.

“And with that kiss, Sleeping Beauty woke up at last and immediately reached for the pepper spray.”

“Hello, Suicide Hotline? It’s Eeyore again...”

He was put into the CAT scanner. Unfortunately, the cat was still in it.

After months of tests, doctors finally found what had caused his blindness. He’d been masturbating too much.

Was my French teacher into golden showers? Oui!

DVD: Welcome to Filthy, Dirty Nurses2 – The Rise of MRSA.

Look! It’s the family with 11 fingers and 12 toes. It’s the Inbredables!

Harry Potter. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I’m pregnant. The good news is that I learned the aborto spell.

I’m 96, but I’m convinced that young women are attracted to me.

Do I have penile dementia?”

Dr., I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body. Can you tell me how to get out of position 43 of the Kama Sutra?

I recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She’s 167.

At the race, “And he’s running down the track, and the referee yells, “Get into the car, you idiot””.

Attention Please: I don’t want to unduly alarm anyone, but is there a doctor on board this plane? Or, failing that, a pilot?

There was a man named Phillip Roth, and he complained and complained and complained. In fact, he had so much complaining to do that he couldn’t do it by himself, so he invented a man named Portnoy to help him, and they complained and complained and complained. Finally someone wrote a book about it and it was called...

The Gripes of Roth.