Chapter 445

Karma is a bitch.

We’re chuckling ... although it isn’t good to laugh about someone who has recently died...

- but really...

You have to read the story below...

Bet you at least smile. The world will be better without this guy anyway.

This 55-year-old Alabama Trumper died of ‘a medical emergency’ while attacking the Capitol on Wednesday Jan. 6th. What happened? He tasered himself in the balls. The taser he stuffed into his pants accidentally discharged into his groin while he was trying to steal a portrait of Tipper Gore, causing him to suffer a fatal heart attack. Heck of an obituary. 2 weeks ago, he was acting tough on social media ... my vote for this year’s Darwin Award!

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GOOGLE Pizza (phone order conversation)

Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir – it’s Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual – you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

OK – that’s what I want.

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables!

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?!!!!

I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!! I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!!

I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!!