Chapter 444

Some thoughts...

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red) ... I can’t see you anymore.
I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember ... Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends? Asking for a friend.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are...

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 23, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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This one is from Cmenn

Good ole boy job interview: This good ole boy farmer had a position open up on his farm, 3 good ole boys showed up for it. He asked each one a question.

He asked the first 1 what is the fastest thing you can think of? and he replied “a thought” you just have it and there it is. The farmer says that it pretty fast.

Number 2, “What do you think is the fastest thing you can think of? He says “Light, you switch it on and it’s there, flip it off and it’s gone. The farmer says that is pretty fast.

Then he looks at the 3rd guy and asks him the same question. He thinks for a second and then says diarrhea. The farmer explodes, what in the hell are you talking about? Number 3 says “Well, before you can think about it or even turn on the light, there it is in your jeans.”

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Telephoneman Has a point!

A message I always kept above my desk was Rick Cook’s quote.

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

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