Chapter 432

Say thanks to Jimborh for this group:

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you.
7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

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Another one from Neuberd

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’

The old man replied, ‘it’s fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score... ‘

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’

Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.’