Chapter 42

This is compliments of billstories‎

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.

A customer asked of a store clerk, “In what aisle could I find the Newfie sausage?””

The shop assistant asks, “Are you from Newfoundland?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
“Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”

The store clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then because I asked for Newfie sausage, why did you ask me if I’m from Newfoundland?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.

This group is compliments of thedad49‎

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2017 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail/text the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND! NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

This one is compliments of Reltney Mc

Here’s another one, about Little Johnny.

Little Johnny was in first grade, and his reputation had preceded him.

Today’s class was phonics, and everybody was to identify a word that began with the letter on the card the teacher displayed.

She held up an “A”, and hands hit the air. Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air, and the teacher thought, “Hmmm. Anus. Asshole. NO, I don’t think I want to call on Little Johnny.”

So, teacher called on Little Betty. “‘A’, Apple. Apple starts with ‘A’”. She sat down.

Next card, “B”, brought about a storm of volunteers, prominently featuring Little Johnny, waving both arms. Again, teacher pondered. “‘B’. Hmmm. Bastard. Bitch. Butthole. No, I do not want to know what Little Johnny’s thinking.”

So, Timmy got to announce “‘B’. Bird starts with ‘B’.”

The lesson continued, with predictable avoidance of calling on Little Johhny. Finally, the teacher held up the card “R”. By now Little Johhny is jumping up and down, waving his arms, weeping and duck-walking around his desk. Teacher contemplates. “‘R’. Hmmm. ‘R’. I cannot think of anything salacious with the letter ‘R’.”

She calls on Little Johnny. He struts up to the front of the classroom. “‘R’. Rat! Rat starts with ‘R’.”

The teacher sighed with relief, thinking she had dodged a bullet. Until Little Johnny continued.

“ ... Ya know, big fucking rats! Huge bastards, with teeth, and claws, and shit like that! Rat!”