Chapter 415

Tax Category

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, “That’s too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Acct : “Brilliant!! ‘Poultry Farmer’ it is! and Agricultural Income is tax-free.”

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said?”

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do himself.”