Chapter 400

A few Gems from Dorsetmike

Having stolen a truckload of inflatable mattresses, the gang had to lilo for a while.

What is brown and fizzy and lives in eucalyptus trees? Coca-Koala.

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

What do you call a red haired baker?

A ginger bread man.

My old Granddad always used to say ‘when one door closes another opens’
Lovely man. Rubbish cabinet maker.

Be careful what you binge eat. Yesterday I ate a can of alphabet soup and today I had the largest vowel movement ever.

Q: Which song is known for inciting new-borns to altercate with with a small classical Greek string instrument vaguely similar to a small harp?
A: “Come on baby fight my lyre”.

Q. What’s covered in cling film and swings through the bell tower in a cathedral?
A. The lunch pack of Notre Dame!

A story from Reltney McFee New Joke Candidate.

The Flood Joke

There was this guy, lived in New Orleans. The news announced that The! Big! Hurricane! Was on the way, and everybody ought to evacuate to higher ground, inland.

The guy shrugged, and said, “I will trust in The Lord!”

The storm approached closer, water was running in the streets. The police drove through, over their loudspeakers they warned everybody to pack up, get out, and get far inland and far uphill.

The guy shrugged, and said, “I will trust in The Lord!”

The water got higher. The fire department sent their engines through the neighborhoods. With the high clearance, an engine could navigate the streets. They pulled up, and directed the guy, “Grab what you can grab, right now! We’ll back up to your steps, and take you to the shelter!”

The guy waved them off. “I put my trust in The Lord! Go save somebody else, who does not have my faith!”

The National Guard soon paddled up. The water was washing in and out of the guy’s first floor. The guardsmen looked into the house, and found the guy seated in his bedroom. “Get out here, we can row you to safety!”, they directed.

“Naw, I’m putting my trust in The Lord! Go save somebody who does not have The Lord protecting them!”

Soon, the guy retreated into his attic, and, soon after, knocked a hole in his roof and retreated from the rising waters onto his roof. The Coast Guard had a chopper patrolling, saw the guy, and hovered overhead. “Tie yourself into the rope! We can pull you to safety!”, they ordered.

The guy waved them off. “I have The Lord! I’ll be OK!”

The Coast Guard flew off.

Shortly, the waters pushed the house off it’s foundations, it collapsed, crushing and killing the guy.

So, there he was, seated on the bench outside The Pearly Gates, bitching and moaning. “Dammit, I put my faith in The Lord, and He abandoned me! I trusted Him, and now look at me! Sunuvabitch!”

St. Peter was strolling in, early to start his workday. He overheard the guy, set his coffee down, and approached him. “Excuse, me, aren’t you the guy who drowned when his house collapsed into the floodwaters?”

The guy looked up at St. Peter. “Yeah! I put my trust in The Lord, and He abandoned me!”

“Whoah, fella! Slow down! The Boss was talking about you in the PX last night. Lemme see if I heard all this right, ok?”

The guy, sullenly, replied, “OK, shoot!”

“So, The Lord sent the police, right? And you sat your fuzzy butt there, didn’t take advantage of the police He sent you, right?”

“Well, no, I didn’t go with the police.”

“Then, The Boss sent the fire department, right? They could have driven you to safety, wouldn’t even have gotten your feet wet?”

The guy answered, “Well, yeah, I guess so.”

“Then, God sent the National Guard, with their boat, correct? You sat in your bedroom, even with water running all through your first floor? Did not go, right?”

“Uh, no, I still trusted in The Lord to save me!”

“Okay, then. Finally, He sent the Coast Guard, and they hovered their helicopter over your house, trying to convince you to get the hell out of that deathtrap, and let them haul you out of danger, and into their nice, dry chopper. Hovering a chopper is about the most dangerous thing a helicopter pilot can do, and these guys did just that, to save your butt, and you did not go, even with them, amirite?”

“Uh, no, I did not go with the Coast Guard. Still put my trust in The Lord!”

St. Peter rubbed his eyes. “So, The Boss warned your butt via the Weather Service, sent the cops, the firefighters, the National Guard, the Coast Guard, and none of that was enough for you? What, did you want a fucking miracle?”