Chapter 38

We are blest with the words of St John‎

I am so much in debt, I can start a government.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely”. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He said you’re going to die” she replied.

Teacher: “Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?” Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

I bumped into my ex in town earlier. I said “How’s your new bloke?” “He’s twice the man you are” she sneered “what about your new woman?” I said “Thankfully she’s half the woman you are... ?”

Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That’s when I realized I’d drugged the wrong glass.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that” she said “But what is so exciting about a period”. “Damned if I know” said Johnnie “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself”.

A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: “Degree, put the toy back!” A woman who is shopping nearby hears this and asks if that is his name. The grandma replies “Yes. I sent his mother to the university ... and this is what she brought back.

What’s the definition of sick? Eating a bowl of rice and seeing the last one crawl away.

An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and ... a Genie appeared!

“I can only grant four wishes!” the Genie said. “Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!”

Pointing to the Maori, he said “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish”. The Maori thought for a moment, then said “I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa”.

POOF It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said “I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!”

POOF It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said “I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah”.

POOF It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked “And what is your wish?”

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said “Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn’t get any better than this!”

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up”.

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up”. He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”

She looks at him and says “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says “You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed”.