Chapter 375

Another one from dorsetmike:

Have decided that as from next week I am going to dress as a different type of bread each day...

Roll on Monday!

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said the first one.

“Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?” asked the second.

“Just watch,” he said, and climbed up onto a rafter.

After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted “What the hell are you doing up there?”

The first man replied. “I’m a light bulb.”

After a short, thoughtful pause, the foreman said, “I think you need some time off”, whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him. “Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was £100 her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. - Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the £100 in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of money

“What’s this?” she asked...

“That’s the £8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial break, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, “You know, I’ve no idea. I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them last year.”

Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time. I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I ran out into the road to chase a cat and a car hit me.

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This is an continuation of an item posted last time from StarFleetCarl

Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested ... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

But the problem was, the condoms were simply tubes, without actually having ends to them. Trump shook his head. “Good grief, there’s just no end to those Canadian pricks...”

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eg5305 has another angle on the same line:

I heard the condom joke as Harry Truman sending condoms to the USSR at their request. The Russians had asked for “extra large.” He ordered his people to send as many as they wanted, but to stamp them “Texas Medium.”

Same idea.