Chapter 374

This one is compliments of mihickman:

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Surprised, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?!!”

Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger: “But ... you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie: “Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie: “Well, actually I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods: incredulous says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that. OK I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

Stevie: “You pick a night.”

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall-down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”

“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob...

“But me ‘n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

(Don’t make me come and splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly. )

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

“Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”

Trump: “Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to ship some in from Mexico “Telephone voice says, “Bad idea ... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock ... What about Canada?”

Trump: “Okay, I’ll call Justin Trudeau and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they’ll continue to respect us as Americans.”

Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested ... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

Aren’t you proud to be Canadian...