Chapter 36

More from dorsetmike‎ many thanks to him and all who submit Jokes.

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel...

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”

I opened my bedroom curtains very early this morning and to my astonishment saw a fox having a fight with a hedgehog.

The hedgehog won on points.

Just bought the wife a new sheepdog fur bra...”Aww” she said, “will it keep my tits warm?”

I said “No, but it’ll round ‘em up and point ‘em in the right direction!”

A farmer is getting dressed in the morning when his wife asks him why his Wellington boots have L and R marked on them “That’s so I know which boot to put on which foot, I put the R one on the right foot and the L one on the left foot” the farmer told his wife, to which she replied, “Ah, so that’s why my knickers have C&A on them”

Two Women were chatting in office...

Woman 1: “I had a fine evening, how was yours... ?”

Woman 2: “It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours... ?”

Woman 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner ... After dinner we walked for an hour ... When we came home he lit the candles around the house ... It was like a ... fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work...

Husband 1: “How was your evening... ?”

Husband 2: “Great ... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you?”

Husband 1: “It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

A guy was packing for a business trip and his five year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed helping her Daddy pack for his big trip.

At one point she giggled and said, “Daddy, Daddy ... Look at this,” and stuck out two of her little fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained and enjoying her playful mood, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers, nom nom nom” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing for his trip.

He couldn’t help but notice how quiet she had become and looked up to see his is daughterstanding on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated and bewildered look on her face.

He looked at her and said, “What’s wrong, honey? Daddy was just playing. I would never really eat your fingers!” and let out a little giggle.

She replied, “I know you were just playing Daddy but what happened to my booger?

A family from one of the poorest parts of town are packing for a holiday in Spain.

They have the predicament of what to do with their three pets, a snake, a rabbit and a skunk, while away in the sun for two weeks:

Father: “I know, we’ll take em with us. Wayne you can wear the snake around your waist, everyone will think it’s a belt, I’ll wear the rabbit on my head so it’ll look like a hat and you mother, you can put the skunk in your knickers”

Mother: “But what about the smell?”.

Father: “Well if it dies it dies...”

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs. White,” he says, “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”