Chapter 359

Some news ones, some old, but some good chuckles in here

— Gonna ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.

— All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!

— If you thought toilet paper buying was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment at the same time.

— The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.

— Quarantine Day 37. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.

— So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood!

— My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” There are no winners.

— When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

— Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

— My car probably thinks I died.

— It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for 7 weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.

— I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

— If your parents are over 60 and want to go out ... FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it,” tell them, “You’re not everyone. “ IT’S PAYBACK TIME!

— Please stay home! If you die, your wife will sell your Harley at the price you told her you paid for it!

— If you believe that the Oilers will be playing hockey in two weeks, raise your right hand. Now slap yourself with it.

— Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring!

— Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?