Chapter 351

Say Thanks to dorsetmike for the following:

A friend of mine got the sack from our local fish and chip shop for sticking his willy in the chip cutter.

I asked him what happened to the chip cutter

“She got the sack as well!”

Ran out of toilet paper and am now using lettuce.

Today was the tip of the iceberg.

I met a woman in a club last night who said she would show me a good time.

We went outside and she ran a 40 meter dash in 4 seconds.

So I’m rubbing away at this old lamp when WHOOOSH a genie appears as they do; true to form he says “What is your wish?”

So after about 2 seconds thought I say “I’d like a new Ferrari please”

“Sorry,” says the genie. “no can do - I’m the Lambourne genie”

Captain Nemo’s submarine ‘Nautilus’ has finally been disarmed.

It is now called the ‘Naughtyless’

A Vicar was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled to her two dogs “Here Soap! ... Here Water!”

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “motorcycle”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his GP for a checkup. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The next day, the doctor rang Morris and said: “I’m a little concerned, did you get your hearing tested as I suggested?”

Morris replied: “Not yet, I’ve been too busy following your other advice Doc, to get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

“NO,” said the doctor. “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.”

just went for a cappuccino in Costa’s.

The barista asked, “do you want sprinkles?”

I said “yes please”, and now I’m stuck with her incontinent cat.