Chapter 35

More from the book of St John‎

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution is and she said “Fuck you.”

So, I’m pretty excited about 2018.

James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing Day, much to James and Neil’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer “Where have you been all season?”

“Don’t ask” he said “the wife bought the season ticket last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.”

My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn’t get any Christmas presents off Santa.

So I told him “Son, you’re 10 years old now and you’re old enough to know the truth about Santa ... he fucking hates Muslims.”

My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something surprising and sexy. Turned out she didn’t mean rape.

It has been reported that due to the negative impact the slow recovery has had on economies all over the world, this Christmas, Santa Claus will have only two “Ho’s” not three as is the custom.

Additionally, it was reported, that if the recovery continues at its current slow rate, in 2018 Santa might have to do with only one, Ho.

I asked the wife what she wants for Christmas this year “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely” she replied. Kinder egg it is then.

A DIFFERENT NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

Twas the night before Christmas, and geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ‘cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post; the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel” he said with a smile”
The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen; himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying “Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says “Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy-Bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!”

Sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues “Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.”

“Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.”